Roguish Tricks—More on Egyptian (and Arab) Courtship, Marriage and the Ubiquitous “Dating Thing.”
By Sally Bishai (02/09/06)
September 11th has made Westerners insatiably curious about the goings-on in the Middle East. *I*, for one, have always found culture almost more interesting than politics. Hence this micro-study—Part II in my “Arab Dating Shenanigans” series. (If you scroll back to Part I, it might make more sense!)
Most people will agree that love is a game. As previously mentioned, some of the male players (not that kind!) take the bull by the horns and ask for an engagement immediately. Other players might send their mother over as an ambassador of goodwill, still others spend months engaged in a staring competition with their quarry, whether because they wish to know more about her, be more certain of their own feelings for her, or even because they are too shy to say anything. Their shyness isn’t of the “aww, shucks!” nature—rather, it’s the sort that arises when the player isn’t sure how his target will respond. After all, if she’s a good and virtuous girl, the player should never even suspect her of having noticed him.
But maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. Though this study in coyness, ‘the secret admirer,’ as I’ve dubbed it, was more popular in past generations and larger (rather than smaller) gatherings, it can be found, to this day, wherever Arabs collect. Here’s how it generally plays out: An Arab of the female persuasion ignores a man or frowns intensely at him, even behaving brusquely or impolitely towards him if he happens to come near her. Any respectable Arab man will immediately know that not only is she interested, but respectable, since overt symbols are seen as signs of immorality. If the man is a non-Arab, however, he will think that she dislikes him or is not interested. Of course, this is named the ‘secret admirer’ because the female’s regard is supposed to be kept secret.
One famous trick used by suitors is the overt and artificially clumsy brush against the lady’s arm or leg. If she smiles at him, she’s seen as immoral (surprise, surprise). If she ignores him, she’s thought to enjoy it (some would disagree with this assessment, however), but if she apologizes, she’s seen as good and proper, and the courtship can go on to the next step, which is the curt nod.
In some parts of the Middle East, there are even prearranged non-verbal signals that mean different things—like the one wherein an unmarried man takes one sip from a full glass of water or lemonade, then hands it off to a girl. Many people would interpret this in different ways, such as “I guess someone bit off more than he could chew!” or “what a waste!” or even, “If I move now, *I* can be the first to snatch that glass away!” For a Nineties kind of girl hailing from parts of the Saiid, among others, it’s taken as an overt invitation of courtship. So she should take care not to get too thirsty, or else find herself with an ardent suitor on her hands.
Of course, these tricks aren’t the only ones available to a young person who wants to get married (the more resourceful Arabs devise methods as they go along). Furthermore, tricks can be used by anyone who fancies him or herself a matchmaker, especially siblings and mothers. For example, the married brother of a single young man who’s in absentia might just deposit his two-year old into the arms of an unsuspecting beauty that he’s noticed a few times. The toddler’s mother appears from nowhere and magically snaps a photo, then sails over to retrieve her child. “Wow, Baby Yasmine really likes you! Hope you don’t mind.. where are your children? With your husband? Oh.. you’re not married, hmm? That’s too bad...” (insert mock tragic air here) “But, inshallah, soon you’ll have a nice young man come all the way to.. where is it that you live, again?” Obviously, the absentee family member only makes further contact if her appearance in the photo is pleasing to him (to my Western and Westernized readers—hold your anger at this chauvinism until you hear what my friend Nermine once told me).
In terms of mothers getting involved, this can happen in many ways. In one, she notices the girl and breezily chats her up, so as to determine her eligibility. In another, she might befriend the girl and “try to fix her up” with the young men of the church (each of whom “turns out” to have a “glaring error” which might never be verified), after which she “gives up” and “jokingly” suggests her own son, instantly reneging (outwardly) while intensely scrutinizing the girl’s reaction. Still others actually mention the fact that they’re shopping for a daughter-in-law, and end up closer to the girl than their son is (before the marriage, anyway). In any of these cases (and others), the mother might be acting on her son’s request, but she might also be taking the initiative. “But Sally,” you might be wondering, “What if any of these instances plays out—and the wife-to-be has never even seen what the guy looks like?”
My swiftest response would be that in more recent years, and in more Westernized cities, these shenanigans don’t happen as often, since women are getting out of the house more, attending college, entering the work force, and meeting their own prospects. Like one of my best friends, who was the head of accounts in a Cairo hotel. Her now-husband met her upon check-in and proposed to her before he’d checked out, without having met her father (although he did make an appointment to meet him soon after).
Another response would be the answer my friend Nermine gave me at lunch one day, when I commented that a new member of our church was attractive. “Sally!!” she began (people seem to say that a great deal). “Looks aren’t everything! Nor taste in cologne, nor being well-dressed, nor any of those things! The only important thing is if he treats you well.” I said nothing, and reached for another piece of bread. “What do you think you’re doing? Have you gone mad?” she asked, causing me to smirk inwardly and remark, “No, but you certainly have...” She shook her head and confiscated my freshly buttered roll. “Sally! Unmarried women aren’t allowed to eat bread. Bread only makes you fat, and you can’t be fat before the wedding.” I sat up straighter. “Oh really,” I said, giving her a keen look. “Of course. Men, and especially Egyptian men don’t like fat women,” she went on matter-of-factly. “Wait, hold up. You’re telling me to disregard a guy’s appearance, his physique or lack thereof, his wealth or lack thereof, and a face so unappealing that I would sooner adopt than reproduce—and on top of that starve myself and paint on a face so ghastly that even Dennis Rodman would cringe?”
She nodded placidly. “Your appearance must please the man, but it doesn’t matter what he looks like, since he’s the MAN,” she finished, smiling beatifically.
I, for the record, was *not* smiling.
Dating vs. Engagement
The period of engagement can last years or days, depending on the couple and their circumstances. In older times, the man would take years to save up and buy a house, before getting married—though these days, more and more couples get married at younger ages and just rent a flat somewhere.
In generations past, there were stringent limits as to what the engaged couple was allowed, in terms of time spent together, chaperones (or lack thereof), and physical contact. In the beginnings of this past century (1900s and beyond), love matches were rather rare, and the prospective bride and groom may not have ever spent time together or had a conversation. In some places, they may even have been betrothed since birth. In other places, the groom would look first towards his family, searching for a female cousin of marriageable age. The fact that these marriages were practically arranged obliterated long engagements and the subsequent “how far is too far?” question.
In later years, more and more love matches occurred, but only certain things were allowed the couple—going somewhere with a chaperone, talking on the phone for hours, having a visit under her father’s roof. These days, things have gotten so Westernized (in places) that it’s not unheard of for the engagement to follow the same course as a Western one (with the exclusion of sex—or so we hope). Which explains why a fair number of young Arab bachelors refuse to marry someone who was previously engaged. Though in more restricted circles, like the Saiid in Egypt, the engagement is still a rigorously monitored period of getting to know one another, devoid of holding hands and other, erm, goods-damagers.
In another show of the West’s ideals having crept in, it’s not that uncommon in the bigger cities for a girl to even have a “boyfriend” (this was not only unheard of, but strictly punishable 50 years ago), although religion, the family’s social station, and other factors may limit the girl’s freedom (or increase it, as the case may be in more Westernized cities).
I remember how surprised a cousin of mine was to watch her friend’s wedding video, direct from Alexandria—“I can’t believe this! They’re doing the tango!” she gasped. “They’re not half bad,” I muttered, but she heard. “That’s the *point*, though!” she blustered. “They’ve obviously danced that same dance *before*—before they were *married*!”
(This article excerpted, in part, from Sally’s 2004 titles “Mid-East Meets West: On Being and Becoming a MODERN Arab American” and “Date Like an Egyptian: The Egyptian American’s Guide To Finding a Mate.. or Date.”)
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