A "comprehensive" immigration proposal
By Miguel Guanipa (04/10/06)
I don’t know if an Immigration Legislation compromise is going to be arrived at by either one of the two political parties. Republicans want more law enforcement and penalties and Democrats want fewer restrictions on a potential voter base of about 12 million Mexicans.
As long as that is understood, I figured since I am also an immigrant, perhaps I could offer what I feel is a comprehensive proposal on how this whole illegal immigration fiasco could be handled properly, and at the same time meet the demands of all the parties involved. It may not seem like the most politically correct approach to this issue but the way I look at it, at least it’s a try.
The first part of my proposal involves a screening process of every Mexican who has or plans to cross the border into the United States illegally. And let’s face it; it is Mexicans we are talking about. Since Mexicans outnumber any other kind of illegal immigrant that crosses the southern border by a ratio of about 25 to one, then let’s not kid ourselves. You are not going to see a lot of Norwegians sneaking in through the southern border of the United States. And Canadians make much better beer so they’re not going to be sneaking through their border any time soon.
This screening process should be designed so that elements who meet the following criteria are not allowed in or detained and returned to their homeland if they presently reside in the U.S. illegally:
- Mexicans who insist on playing their salsa music at a deafening volume as they drive through the neighborhood. (You know who you are. Stop it or go home)
- Any Mexican who plans to find work as a gardener in a Beverly Hills home thereby increasing his chances of seducing somebody’s spouse.
- Any Mexican who is yearning to play the role of a gang member in a movie. (those parts are already taken by naturalized Mexicans)
- Any Mexican that refuses to learn English (come on, at least learn the language so that people who go to an ATM don’t have to push an extra button that asks them what language they prefer)
- Any Mexican who refuses to take off those red bandanas (Dios mio !, those things are dreadful; and don’t get me started on the checkered shirts either)
- Mexicans who say they like Al Gore. (We all know the democrats already enjoy the unqualified support of another minority segment of the population; let’s give republicans a fighting change. Compassionate republicans of course.
- Any Mexican who speaks fluent Arabic. (That’s just too coincidental)
The second part of my proposal involves the fiscal aspect of this issue. There’s one easy solution to this. Outsource all of the strawberry picking, hotel cleaning, Wal-Mart greeting jobs that Americans don’t want to do and send them to Mexico. After all, it is not that Americans will not do these jobs, but that they will not do them for the pay that a Mexican will. So let’s export these jobs and import the goods they produce if any. It’s already being done in other places as it is. Ask Dell computer about their Pakistani computer help desk operations.
The third part of my proposal involves dealing with the illegal Mexicans who do not want to leave. I propose that they be divided by age and the following decrees be implemented:
- Infants to 16 year olds should be enrolled immediately in schools where only English is spoken. I don’t need to explain the reason for that.
- 16 to 30 year olds should be drafted for a compulsory 3 year tour of duty in Iraq.
- 30 to 40 year olds should be enlisted in every high school around the country as Spanish teachers. Have you ever seen an American teaching Spanish in High School? ay caramba!
- 40 to 50 year olds should be sent to Hollywood to be employed as nannies to the stars
- 50 and up should just be left alone. If you’re over 50 and you had enough cojones to cross the border and didn’t get caught you probably deserve a medal.
The reason I have outlined this proposal is because very much like yourself, I recognize that the immigration problem can not be solved in the way that congress is trying to. The reality is that, as long as the demand for Mexicans exists, the supply will continue. It’s time congress came up with a comprehensive proposal such as mine, that does not cater to the political ambitions of either party, addresses crucial components of the problem such as border security, employment and social integration, and discourages future criminal behavior. Almost anything is better than what they have come up with thus far.
(Printer friendly version) Email: Miguel Guanipa
