Pulled Apart
By Sally Bishai (05/10/06)
You know, I was just thinking how I wish I could go away somewhere where no one knew me.
Cut off all ties to email and phone and fax.
Not see anyone for a month, not hear a sound for a month. (Man-made sounds, I mean. Hearing the birds and the waves and the rain and the thunder would be fine.)
This is troubling to me, for 1- I ain't no beach bum (my apparently non-Egyptian skin burns in like 2 seconds) and 2- while I'm not all that fond of leaving the lair of doom ('doom' because the cleaning lady hasn't come over this week yet), I would much rather talk online than in real life. Not because I don't like people, mind, but because of the asynchronous nature of email (and even chat).
But back to what I was saying, I feel rather, and in fact *quite* weary from 'the whole thing.'
I'm tired of having to teach children who'd rather con their way into an A.
(Then again, now I perfectly understand how Jesus must feel.. making such a huge sacrifice--and I'm talking about the whole 'becoming sin as a person who knew no sin' thing more than the actual 'nails through the wrists' thing, although that was obviously so horrid that I feel a horrific beast for even comparing the two, although I'm not..)
I'm tired of being recognised at Walgreen’s at 3 am as "That Middle Eastern Writer Girl," as I invariably am (since my fat face is all over the TV 2 or 3 times a week), because it means I can never just run out sans makeup, or dressed like a scout schlepper.
I'm tired of AOL's snobbish policy of deleting mail--opened or unopened, answered or not--after 28 days.
I'm tired of knowing that I have 661 non-SPAM emails in my inbox right now and realising that they will actually be erased if I don't hustle.
I know. You're wondering who in blazes would send me 661 emails, and I'll tell you:
Supporters and detractors of my work (and I am actually grateful for the substantial comments that people are kind enough to send me, and like to answer them back, since they took the time to watch and all..).
STUDENTS. Students who want something, who're trying to curry favour, who want a recommendation letter, who are trying to set me up with their brother (or sister), etc.
Other, rarer, instances of email are work things--clients, my dissertation committee or other profs, 'friends', etc.
Since I’ve begun this going-on, however, I just want to inform everyone (all 2 of my readers, actually 1, now that I started on a very un-Sally-like tirade about beasts) that I want to go a week with nothing to do. I want to have a break from this feeling that everyone wants something from me, that everyone wants a piece of me.
I want solitude again, to remember who I was and to have time to hang out with Jesus like I used to--hours on end of praying, reading the Bible, singing praise songs all by myself like some schizophrenic hippie... hehe, those were the days :)
One might say, "But Sally, you DO spend time with God every day! All your work is focused on Him! Surely that counts for something!"
But the truth is that working FOR Him and hanging out WITH Him are two separate things.
Of course, someone might come back with "Oh, well, it sounds as though "Taking time out to hang with the Main Man" and being a bum are a lot alike!"
And it's true. A person can't JUST be all about praying etc. and staying so out of the world that they get nothing accomplished. (Except monks, obviously.)
It's all about being IN the world but not OF it.
Money? Only important to get shelter and snacks and the occasional new camera (or whatever helps you at work).
Marriage? Great (I've heard) but if not, remember that 60 years on earth is all the time we have to make an impact, and in the grand scheme of things, it's not a death sentence, especially when you have so many people in your life that love you.
And fame? Can be a scary thing, especially if you happen to say something unpopular in the Middle East... or if you’re at Walgreen’s at 3 am sans makeup.
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