What's It All About, Alkie?
By Sally Bishai (05/11/06)
Something strange happens to me every time I go to a party.
Now, I'm not talking about the ridiculous parties that American undergrads have, those gatherings where everyone is obviously trying to assert their 'maturity' and 'coolness' by flirting with as many people as possible, whilst 'calmly' and in a very 'adult-like manner,' accepting any and all liquor offered to them, or, worse yet, mentioning a preference.
As in 'no, I would much prefer a cabernet tonight.. it suits my mellow mood, you know?'
As though they rock or something coz they know the characteristics of a drink.
(I know what you're thinking.. "Sally! You are an American! Stop pretending that you're not, and stop dissing American undergrads!" Sorry, love, I can't. Don't forget, I've taught a few hundred of them a year for several years now, and they never fail to let me down, even the ones who seem so mature. But that, too, is another story.)
At any rate, back to the issue at hand, imagine this:
You're at a party of mid-to-late 20-somethings or even 30- and 40-somethings.
You're hunting for those wicked rollup snack-things from Sam's.
And someone offers you a foreign beer.
"No thanks, but I'd kill for a Pepsi!" you say, smiling winningly at your colleague.
A colleague who fairly SNEERS at you for shunning their offering of spirits.
Oho, dear reader! Methinks NOT.
"Ok.. orange juice? I'm DYING for some OJ, and I don't mean the football player!"
The sneer turns to disdain, and said colleague drifts away, a distinctly cagey light in his eye.
Dramatic, perhaps.
But what I'm trying to say here is that people who are drinking always seem so offended when someone turns down their offer of a drink.
And it's not like I (or the others I've spoken to about this problem) go on saying "You know, I don't think I will. I'm really not into the whole "partying" scene, coz I can have just as much fun without it. Even more, now that I think about it."
We don't even say "Actually, I'm not into liquor," or "Thanks, but I don't drink.. wine!" or "I disapprove of liquor. Heartily. The fact that you would stand there drinking it makes my teeth itch, but the fact that you asked me if I wanted a sip makes me want to VOMIT more than I would if I accepted your seamy offer and DID drink!"
Just an innocent, "No, thanks." It drives them mad. (And not in a good way.) Try it some time.
And if it's someone who knows you drink, watch them pull out the "Hey, getting old there, buddy?" or "Oooh, afraid yer gonna turn into an Alkie???"
Misery DOES love company. The people that say these sorts of things are miserable. They're missing something.
They want to forget, or else, be something they're not, do something they're not comfortable doing.
Yes, there ARE those who drink because they genuinely enjoy the taste or because they are having a bad day (I don't condone this last one, obviously.)
But it seems to me that any time a person gets upset at another person's choices, they have an extremely deep-seated guilt about what they're doing.
They don't OWN their actions, they're seeking approval.
They want to be able to say "I did this!".
And even if they never tell anyone, they secretly plot ways to expose their own, erm, secret in a way that makes them an ultra-cool legend.
Or else, they’re happy—so happy!—to be part of a bigger group (as ridiculous as the group may be), even if only a closet member.
It's funny, coz one time someone asked me if I wanted a beer and I demurred, and he said "Ohh, are you one of those religious people?" and I refrained from giving him a speech--just for the sake of experiment--and replied "I'm really allergic to liquor."
Guess what his response was?
"Really? How does that work?" His eyes glowed with curiosity and something else. I hid a smile as he went on..
"So, what happens if you take just one sip? Dyou swell up and lose consciousness or...?"
"Actually, I start to giggle, my muscles lock up, and I get a feeling worse than when I fell down the stairs."
"So you can't move, then? But are you awake? I mean.."
(He was fascinated for some reason.)
But I cut him off--
"Look, laddie, I actually just hate liquor. It smells as it induces, aka, it reeks of vomit and tastes just as nice. It offends me to even see it. And yes, I have a very good story behind WHY I hate it, but you're not going to hear that little tale tonight, although if you don't lay off, I might just give you a sermon on the dangers of drinking and how a person is better served when he's in control of his faculties! SOME people, dear, are beasts even WITHOUT a drink. They, especially, can't afford even a sip of something that might make them even MORE beastly!"
With a full appreciation for his expression of having had the scales fall from his eyes, I turned on my heel, flounced off, and proceeded to down an entire glass of (very cold) OJ in one gulp!
(Ohh, but the headache I suffered after that.. it was so dramatic, though!)
Author’s note: Please don’t take my words (as usual) as judgmentalism! I simply want the right to NOT DRINK—for whatever reason I have—and not be penalized for it!! After all, isn’t freedom what America is all about??
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