SHADDAP!
By Thomas Lindaman (06/02/06)
The First Amendment guarantees the right to free speech, but there are a lot of people who are using this right a little too often to advance some incredibly stupid notions. It’s times like these when I just want to tell these people, “SHADDAP!”
Then, I realized, I’m a columnist, so I can. I admit there are times when I’m not the brightest knife on the Christmas tree…or something like that. Regardless, here is my list of people who should really just shut their pieholes.
Al Gore, SHADDAP! Your movie “An Inconvenient Truth” may have the critics wowing over you, but most people are already onto to your scam. In the years since Earth in the Balance came out, scientists have figured out that you’re full of crap. Sure, you say the scientists who come out against you are all bought and paid for by Big Business, but have you ever wondered how many of the scientists on your side are bought and paid for by people wanting to push your agenda?
The Dixie Chicks, SHADDAP! Your new album is #1 on Billboard’s Top 200, selling over 500,000 copies. Good for you. Now, could you, like, not talk. Whether it’s Natalie Maines “taking back” her apology to President Bush or one of the other Chicks talking about wanting to be around “really cool people who get it,” you guys (or is that gals) haven’t learned a thing from 2003. Oh, and by the way, I love how you guys turned on country fans in 2003 after they started burning your CDs…but went right back to country radio to get airplay for your singles.
John Murtha, SHADDAP! As a former Marine, you of all people should know about the importance of morale on soldiers. Yet, you go on every television show or talk to every newspaper or magazine running down the troops. When you said the soldiers involved in the Haditha situation killed innocent people “in cold blood” (before they were even tried, I might add), you’re not helping the troops you claim to support.
Dennis Hastert, SHADDAP! Your defense of William Jefferson using the “separation of powers” notion from the Constitution is laughable at best. The Founding Fathers would be pimp-slapping you repeatedly if you were in their presence and advanced the notion that Congress is not subject to searches when members are accused of breaking the law. (Well, that and they’re dead and stuff.) There is no Constitutional crisis here, except for the fact that you apparently haven’t read the thing.
Sean Hannity, SHADDAP! Listening to your show lately has been painful. And that’s being kind. If I hear you say, “We need to secure the border” one more time, I’m going to tear my hair out. Fortunately, I just got a haircut last month, so it’s not going to be that big a job. Seriously, though, you’re looking at a three-dimensional problem in a one-dimensional way. Securing the border doesn’t mean jack unless you figure out why illegal immigrants are crossing the border in the first place.
Pat Robertson, SHADDAP! I don’t care if you claim to be a man of God, you are seriously making Christians look bad by being the ringleader of your circus of insanity. You say God told you that America was going to be hit with hurricanes and possibly a tsunami? Pat, that isn’t God. That’s the onset of insanity. Seek help.
John McCain, SHADDAP! No particular reason. I just don’t like you.
Hillary Clinton, SHADDAP! You’re not fooling anybody with your attempts to appear more moderate to conservative. We saw you for 8 years championing the very worst ideas of the modern left, and we aren’t dumb enough to believe you “grew in the office” and became a moderate Democrat. Just tell us what you really believe so that we can laugh you right out of office at the earliest opportunity.
The mainstream media, SHADDAP! There are serious issues that beg for attention, but you don’t cover them…because you have to tell us all about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s baby girl as serious news! Leave the entertainment news for the Features section, and take the space in the news section to, oh I don’t know…cover actual news, maybe?
Illegal immigrants and their supporters, SHADDAP! You don’t have a right to be here. America didn’t steal the Southwest from your ancestors. You’re here illegally, and you should count your lucky stars that the politicians in Washington are too afraid of you to do anything.
And finally…
Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, SHADDAP! You two are double-handedly responsible for the Democrats lacking leadership and looking like buffoons at almost every turn. Reid takes free boxing tickets from people lobbying for legislation, and he sees nothing wrong? Pelosi urges William Jefferson to step down to preserve the “integrity” of the Democrat Congressional Caucus, while still talking about the Republican “culture of corruption”? If you guys don’t stop putting your foot in your mouths, you’re going to get a serious case of athlete’s tongue.
Hopefully, the people listed above will take my advice so that I won’t need serious therapy.
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