Here’s A Pony!
By Gary Aldrich (12/01/03)
It’s great when I can report good news about the demise of Big Government. Yes, I know Congress has just passed the largest increase in government spending since LBJ, maybe even since FDR. But let’s face it: we live in a nation that believes old men should not have to pay for their own Viagra. So it’s remarkable when you can catch an entire federal agency in the throes of its own destruction.
It’s especially sweet when that agency is kind enough to bring along a rope to its own hanging.
I’m speaking of one of the most useless agencies ever conceived by muddle-headed bureaucrats and moronic politicians – The Federal Communications Commission. From now on, I’m going to refer to this days-are-numbered agency as the ““F-word CC””, so everyone will remember the occasion when this worthless agency’s fate was sealed.
Clearly the “F-word CC” is going out of business, because on October 4, 2003, many of its highly-paid lawyers decreed that use of the “F-word” on national prime-time television networks or on radio airwaves is decent, unless it is used to describe the wondrous act God gave us for our pleasure and the creation of new life.
So, only when the word is used to describe the act that creates life is it deemed obscene or indecent.
This means a unique word obviously describing a sexual act – not to be confused with an act or word of any other meaning – can now have other meanings not associated with sex. Huh? Somewhere out there Bill Clinton is smiling, because this ruling makes as much sense as “Freedom is Slavery,” “War is Peace,” Oral sex is not sex,” and “Depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is’, is.”
One can imagine what filth will now be flowing through the released floodgates and into our prime-time living rooms and drive-time radio shows. Since the “F-word” no longer means what it means, dozens of other words can also be ruled decent, like the “S” word. Even though everyone knows what the “S” word means and there is no other possible meaning, we’ll now have actors and celebrities using these words to describe a bad day, a good day, or whatever they wish to describe.
And, when one considers the various ways words can be twisted to mean something else – according to the “F-word CC” – one can assume that now even God’s name is up for media grabs. Add the “D” word, that Biblical consequence you experience when you cross a spiritual line, and string the two words together. Our “F-word CC” has just ruled that using the phrase “GD” is neither obscene nor indecent. They have decided for the rest of us that this clearly offensive phrase is merely an overenthusiastic script writer’s creative new way to describe events that grab the attention of an ever-shrinking audience addicted to shock, filth, violence, death, and other bizarre human conduct.
Besides, it’s decent!
What’s ironic is how Political Correctness has made certain words “out of bounds” for use on TV or any other place; the “N-word”, for example. How is it that some people can decide for the rest of us which words are OK and which are forbidden, but an entire federal agency under the management of a Conservative Republican White House – an agency costing billions of dollars to operate and employing hundreds of lawyers – cannot?
The “PC police” obviously have more power than the “F-word CC”, and we don’t pay them a single dime! They occupy no federal office space, they have no expensive conferences, they require no retirement plan or health care, and there is no organizational chart.
I don’t know what else the “F-word CC” is supposed to do for us, if not set some level of decency to protect our TV-, radio- and print media-soaked lives from sliding into the sewer. We live in the Information Age, for Pete’s sake! A parent cannot possibly raise children in this country today and protect them from this growing, stinky, mound of garbage. We used to protect our kids, and at one time we actually tried to be a better people, but apparently no more.
Still, I have to believe that most Americans expect there will be some decency, something considered obscene or off-limits. Yet we now have young women celebrities French-kissing each other, while millions of our young people watch in fascination and awe. A few are titillated, but the rest of us are merely disgusted or offended.
The ever-optimistic and enthusiastic Ronald Reagan loved to tell the story of how he, as a poor boy, always wanted a pony, but could not afford one. He shoveled lots of “stuff” out of the stables to earn extra money. (The “F-word CC” says I can’t say the “S” word when it describes what it actually is.)
Since there was always so much “stuff” in the stable, the ever-optimistic Reagan believed there was a chance he’d eventually uncover that much-desired pony.
Here’s a pony for us! Since the “F-word CC” employees see nothing indecent about any of this, I think it’s time we helped them dust off their resumes, pack up their boxes, and shut off the lights on their way out the door.
This is one federal agency that by its own actions is begging to put it out of its own misery. On October 4, they provided their own “rope” when they wrote a useless, nonsensical decision that the use of the “F-word” is decent. So let’s get on with the hanging while a few people still care. Hooray! We can save a lot of money by at long last closing the doors of at least one ridiculous federal agency.
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