How To Expose And Torment Liberals
By Jon Alvarez (09/22/03)
Ever put a dab of peanut butter on the end of your dog's nose? While some consider teasing man's best friend to be a mean source of amusement, it is highly entertaining to watch their frenzied reaction and it ultimately does not hurt them. Another source of entertainment, and one that does not involve man's best friend, is tormenting liberal Americans. These are the same people that over the past year have prided themselves on their mean-spirited attacks on President Bush, so you shouldn't feel bad.
We could be talking about Hillary Clinton, that bandana-wearing, anti-war activist who still lives in his parent's basement, or even the person working next to you. These activities are aimed at not only providing a source of amusement, they are helpful in rooting out closet liberals. Either way, you're sure to have hours of fun and will be able to determine if those you know are either America-loving patriots or self-loathing liberals that prefer to pledge allegiance to the United Nations.
Let's begin with our exercise with introducing you to some basic vocabulary every patriotic American should have at their disposal. Sometimes you can determine if a person is in actuality a liberal simply by using these choice words in your discussions with them. Try interjecting some of these "hot words" into your conversations which will surely garner a negative reaction from a liberal: God, patriotism, stars and stripes, USA, individual responsibility, capitalism, the Pledge of Allegiance, the Ten Commandments, God Bless You (one of my favorites, say it when they sneeze!), love of country, and war. If you do happen to determine that someone is a liberal, you can simply use these words around him or her and watch as they twitch and flitter about nervously. This can be not only a source of aggravation to them, but will provide you with hours of fun and amusement.
Another method that is useful in smoking out and tormenting liberals is to make reference to items or events that are a part of our culture and heritage. Invite a liberal to a local parade honoring troops returning from Iraq. This is particularly effective if it is either on a military base or along Main Street of Mayberry R.F.D. Ask if they'd like to contribute towards a care package you are sending to the troops overseas. If you happen to be driving in the same car, pop in a CD containing certain songs by Toby Keith or Darryl Worley. If you are fortunate enough to know a Hollywood celebrity, ask that person if they are planning on going overseas as part of a USO tour. Liberals will also freak out if you take them to a high school football game where they still play the national anthem prior to kickoff. Better yet, simply wave an American flag around, even one of those little ones you can buy virtually anywhere nowadays. Watching liberals recoil from such a display is so much fun, it will remind you of those old Dracula films, when he would convulse when confronted with a cross.
Since we've made the comparison between vampires and liberals, recoiling in fear and disgust to sacred images, let's list some personalities who could be likened to vampire hunters by liberals. The head vampire hunter would have to be Ann Coulter. Liberals admittedly hate President Bush, that much is a given. He's the moral equivalent of holy water to them. However, liberals might as well burst into flames when confronted by Ann Coulter. They foam at the mouth; their heads spin around 360 degrees, and begin to speak in some form of ancient language when they run up against Ms. Coulter. Others that give liberals fits, thus granting them instant membership to the Vampire Hunter Hall Of Fame: Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and Michael Savage. Of course, the meeting hall for the Vampire Hunter League of Justice would be Fox News.
So there you have it folks, a do-it-yourself guide to exposing and tormenting the liberals that hide amongst us. We know they are out there; sometimes it's just hard to spot them. Some of them pose as hard-working Americans, hiding the fact that at night they log on to their computers to receive their instructions from MoveOn.org on how to proceed with handing over U.S. autonomy to the United Nations. If you find yourself suffering from a guilty conscience for tormenting liberals, just pick up a copy of the New York Times and read the latest editorials bashing our noble president. That should put your mind at ease, along with the knowledge that just this week Saddam Hussein quoted the Democratic candidates in his latest taped message broadcast on al-Jazeera. As hard as it may be, we must not let up on liberals as they continue their assault on our country. We must expose them and drive the stake home in order to defeat them.
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