SHADDAP II: Electric SHADDAP You!
By Thomas Lindaman (10/11/06)
After the warm response I received from my first "SHADDAP" column (titled appropriately enough "SHADDAP!"), I thought it would be a good idea to come up with another list of people who really need to be told to shut their pieholes. And for those of you who sent me the tens and tens of emails, these ones are for you.
Former Representative Mark Foley, SHADDAP! It’s bad enough that you sent suggestive and lewd emails and instant messages to Congressional pages and figured you wouldn’t get caught. Now, you’re seeking to explain it away by going into rehab for alcohol abuse and claiming you were molested by a priest. Without giving away too much, I can tell you that I’ve been drunk off Ted Kennedy’s butt a couple of times in my life and I have never tried to come on to teenagers. You have a problem that isn’t because of booze or Father McFeelme. Quit trying to play the victim card.
Ted Turner, SHADDAP! In a speech before the National Press Club, you quoted President Bush’s “if you’re not for us, you’re against us” line. Then, you asked what about those people who haven’t made up their minds about who to support in the war on terrorism. It’s been over 5 years since the 9/11 attacks, and if you’re still confused over who to back, let me help you. I can’t confirm this with 100% accuracy, but I’m pretty sure Osama bin Laden and his al Qaeda buddies aren’t big fans of “Anderson Cooper 360” because, well, he’s an infidel! Got that, Captain Courageous Except When It Comes To Deciding On A Side In the War On Terror?
Mexico, SHADDAP! After Congress passed a 700 mile border fence be constructed, you decide to raise a stink about it, even threatening to go to the United Nations to stop it. On what grounds? If the fence is being built on American soil, it’s our property, not yours. And considering you guys are sending a few million lawbreakers into the country on an annual basis, you guys really have no room to complain about anything, let alone to the UN.
Barbra Streisand, SHADDAP! What possessed you to come up with the idea to have a skit with a George W. Bush look-alike during your most recent “I’m never going to perform in public again unless I can really jack up ticket prices” concert tour? People aren’t paying you $750 and up per ticket to hear your political viewpoints; they’re paying that much to hear you sing! So, to paraphrase Laura Ingram, shut up and sing! Or, on second thought, shut up and don’t sing.
Nancy Pelosi, SHADDAP! I know you Democrats want to take back the House of Representatives in November, and I know you think you can do a better job at being Speaker of the House than Dennis Hastert. But I really do have to take issue with your comment that it would “take a women to clean up the House.” First off, do you realize how incredibly sexist that sounds? Playing up to an old gender stereotype in a lame attempt to appear witty and intelligent only makes it more likely that you’ll be turning off women voters. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear you were Bill Clinton. Second, I’m not sure I can trust you to clean up the House, as it were, considering you still have William Jefferson in your midst. Clean up your own house first and then worry about the House, okay?
Brian Ross and ABC News, SHADDAP! Not only did you make the Mark Foley situation into a three-ring circus, your attempts to spin your way out of an obvious error on your parts turned you into clowns. Who in the Information Age doesn’t know the difference between an email and an instant message? Seriously, if you don’t, go back to school and ask to be held back a year.
T. O, SHADDAP! You have many talents, but one of them isn’t figuring out when to shut up and do your job. Watching the Eagles-Cowboys game recently, I noticed the muscles getting worked the most were in your mouth. And as it turns out, the Cowboys lost because you weren’t doing as good of a job as you should be able to do. Give you the damn ball? How about you catch the damn ball first?
Bill Clinton, SHADDAP! We saw your meltdown on Fox News Sunday when Chris Wallace asked you if you felt you had done enough to stop terrorism. Contrary to what you think, it was a legitimate question, one that you should have been able to handle with ease. Instead, you acted like you were blindsided by a partisan hack. Guess what, Bubba. Fox News isn’t CNN and isn’t about to give you softball questions like “What’s your favorite food?” during a serious interview. And your claim that it was a “right wing hit piece” only underscored what we all saw: a man who couldn’t defend his record, so he lashed out at those who had nothing to do with the situation. On the bright side, though, you didn’t react as badly as…
Keith Olbermann, SHADDAP! Whether it’s your one-man crusade against Bill O’Reilly or your insulting comments about Chris Wallace after his Clinton interview, you’re not showing me anything worthwhile. You’re on a third place network drawing fewer viewers than CNN Headline News’s Nancy Grace. Nancy Grace, for the love of Pete! And Glenn Beck’s coming up quick from behind. Last ratings I saw, you and Chris Matthews were neck-and-neck on who could reach the ratings cellar first. But I have to give the edge to you, Keith, for no other reason than at least Matthews is entertaining when he gets mad. You? Not so much.
Hillary Clinton, SHADDAP! You're blaming President Bush for failing to work with North Korea? Gee, Hill, who was the brain trust who let Kim Jong Il have nuclear technology in the first place? Why, it was your husband! Go toss a lamp at him or something and leave the foreign policy decisions to someone who wasn't a "co-President," okay?
Joseph Wilson, SHADDAP! How many times do you have to be proven wrong about the alleged CIA leak of your wife’s name before you get it? Suing the Bush Administration, even after Richard Armitage came forward and said he was the leaker is the ultimate bonehead move. And yet, you keep blithering on about “bringing the criminals to justice.” Save yourself, and us, the trouble and just admit you’re suing the Bush Administration because you have a bug up your butt about Bush beating Gore and Kerry.
Arianna Huffington, SHADDAP! The Huffington Post is a bust, and your commentary, along with the commentary of the majority of HuffPo contributors, makes Maureen Dowd look like Lord Byron. HuffPo’s nickname should be HuffBlows. Just be glad George Soros isn’t putting a stop payment on your checks...yet.
And finally...
Rosie O'Donnell, SHADDAP! Your recent tirades comparing radical Christians to radical Muslims and your...unique method of dealing with diaper rash have helped you make a big splash on "The View." Of course, they've also made you look and sound like a complete nutjob (which is odd, considering your sexual preference). Here's a clue for you, Rosie. You won't find any radical Christians strapping bombs to themselves and driving into a shopping mall, or flying planes into buildings to be closer to God. Radical Muslims have, and fairly frequently I might add. When you can find a radical Christian who is doing exactly what the 9/11 hijackers did, let me know. Until then, I'm going back to wishing Star Jones was back, and I don't even like her.
And on that note, I'm going to take my own advice. See ya next time, kids!
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