New Year's Resolutions for Other People: The 2007 Edition
By Thomas Lindaman (01/03/07)
Well, it's that time of year again when people decide to make major life changes because it's the beginning of a new year. Some people resolve to lose weight. Others resolve to stop smoking. Still others resolve to stop looking for naked photos of Rue McClanahan on the Internet. (I know that last one's gonna be tough for me to do.)
For those of you who are new to CommonConservative.com, forgot since last year, or were fortunate enough to avoid last year’s edition, I’m not very good at making or keeping New Year’s resolutions. Anything more complicated that “I resolve to wake up every morning” tends to be a little out of my pay grade.
So, instead of writing resolutions for myself, I decided to write resolutions for other people. I don’t do it because I think my life is perfect; I do it so the people listed don’t have to bother with it, thus giving them more time to focus on more important things, like balancing the federal budget or taking time to see “Borat.” In other words, I do it because I care, dagnabbit!
Anyway, here are my 2007 New Year’s resolutions for other people.
George W. Bush, I resolve that you stop letting situations dictate who you are and what you believe. We elected you in 2000 and 2004 because you were confident in what you were doing. Now, you’re lapsing into a milquetoast like your father was…well, pretty much since 1988. You took us to war against international terrorism and we can’t win it with a half-hearted leader. Put on the chaps, boots, and Stetson and lead for the love of Pete!
Nancy Pelosi, I resolve that you strive to work with conservatives of both parties to get something done. Democrats ran in 2006 on a platform of change, so now it’s time to come across with some change for the better, not just change to be changing stuff. If you keep the American people in mind, the first 100 minutes of your tenure as Speaker of the House won’t be the same 100 minutes that people wonder why they put Democrats in power in the first place.
Harry Reid, I resolve that you start sucking up to Joe Lieberman, big time. Don’t believe the media hype that Democrats control the Senate because, in truth, you don’t. You are sitting on a 49-49-2 split. Sure, Bernie Sanders will most likely play ball with you guys, but Joe Lieberman is a different story altogether. Let’s not forget it was Democrats who pushed him away and insulted him when they thought Ned Lamont could win. If you haven’t noticed, Harry, Lamont didn’t attend freshman orientation, and Joe’s still there. After the crap your side pulled on Joe, you have some serious making up to do.
To the leaders of Iran, Syria, and North Korea, I resolve that you keep doing what you’re doing and create a bigger mess of the world than you already have. Then, when the world gets fed up with you acting like jerks, we’ll have all the justification we need to turn your countries into parking lots.
To the United Nations, I resolve that you come to grips with the harsh reality that you aren’t really needed anymore, not that you were to begin with. Your goal of allowing countries an opportunity to address problems with other countries without going to war was a cute idea on paper, but it’s failed worse than “Gigli: The Musical.” Time to pack it in, guys, and let America take care of the big problems. Heck, you already do, so it wouldn’t be that big of an adjustment.
To the media hounding Britney Spears for not wearing panties in public, I resolve that you back off the future Mrs. Thomas Lindaman. I’ll talk to her about the panties issue. You run along and cover something really important, like what Jennifer Aniston’s pet groomer’s ex-boyfriend has been doing. And speaking of the newly-single Ms. Spears…
Britney Spears, I resolve that you marry me. Oh, this won’t be for anything personal, like finally seeing you naked. That's a fringe benefit. It will be to ensure your kids and you have a stable relationship in your lives. I understand what it’s like to be a star at such a young age. Yes, I played Wesley on “Mr. Belvedere.” I don’t talk about it much because it’s part of my past. (Well, that, and the fact it’s a total lie…) Regardless, you need someone who will be your confidante, friend, father to your children, lover, and partner. I humbly volunteer for that duty. Besides, after Kevin Federline, you can only go up.
Barak Obama, I resolve that you do something. Seriously. You’re in the running to be the Democrats’ candidate for President in 2008, provided Hillary Clinton lets you run. Either way, if you want to be taken seriously as a contender for the Presidency in 2008 or beyond, you gotta start working on that resume of yours.
John Kerry, I resolve that you get a sense of humor. That “botched joke” of yours right before the 2006 election wasn’t funny, either as you presented it or as it was on your script. Good comedians know when to dump bad material, and what you had was one of the worst jokes I’ve ever heard, and I’ve watched “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”!
To the Republican members of the “Gang of 14,” I resolve that you start begging for your political lives before the court of conservative opinion. That little deal you struck with the Democrats was monumentally stupid on so many levels, but let’s start with the fact that the Democrats wouldn’t have abided by the terms of the agreement as you had them. They would invent reasons to filibuster any judicial candidates who were to the right of Lenin (and I’m not talking John here, kids). If you want to keep your jobs, you’d better stop undermining the President.
Bill Clinton, I resolve that you put on some pants. It will be tough, but I’m sure you can do it if you really try. Whenever you start getting those special thoughts that give you a tingly feeling in your no-no parts, just picture Janet Reno naked.
Hillary Clinton, I resolve that you drop the whole “it takes a village to raise a child” crap. It doesn’t and has never taken a village to raise a child; it takes parents. And if what I’ve heard about who really raised Chelsea is true, you are the last person in the world to preach to us about how to raise a child.
Keith Olbermann, I resolve that you get those rabies shots you’ve so desperately needed. I’ll even chip in a couple of bucks.
Rosie O’Donnell, I resolve that you hire someone to smack you upside the head when you say something stupid for ratings. Granted, this will mean someone is smacking you just about every day, but it’s the only way you’ll learn.
To the contributors to CommonConservative.com, I resolve that you continue to make the site better with your commentary. I’ve been fortunate to have some great writers on the site, both as staff writers and as guest writers. It’s because of you that the site is what it is.
And finally, to the readers and fans of CommonConservative.com, I resolve that you never be afraid to tell me what you would like us to do differently. The purpose of the site is to give you a voice, and we would be jerks if we didn’t listen to you when you had ideas. I’m always open to new ideas, so shoot me an email if you have one. Just one thing, though. I’m sticking around, so you can stop emailing me to quit the site. By the way, Mom, I loved the Christmas dinner.
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