Swimsuit Issue Becomes Winter Coat Fashion Show
By Julie Kay Smithson (03/08/07)
Sports Illustrated's annual "Swimsuit Issue" may be history. Unexpected "global cooling" caused this year's photo shoot to make last-minute design changes. A rush order of fur coats, confiscated from undetermined Rodeo Drive locations, cloaked the goosebumps that threatened to destroy SI's top-selling issue.
Pointing to the loss of polar bears' dense hair coats due to "global warming," experts surmised that the frigid temps gripping Cabo San Lucas and Cancun must be the fault of organic farming techniques and sustainable forestry practices. Quasimoto Kyoto mused, "Protocols might mediate mandatory voluntary megafauna and predatory change with autobahn credits." When pressed, protocolologists admitted there are no record high temperature patterns in the Arctic since 1492, but stressed that threatening potential dehairing could be caused by sustainable hay harvesting techniques used in southern Alberta and Saskatchewan, urging greater resource preservation. "Global protection could be threatened by accessing resources in any way other than passive," stated Flatout Guesser in his doctoral thesis. "It is widely thought by some that El Ninny or La Compoop might be the result of flatulated egocentric perusals. We are seeking grant funding to explore this in greater depth."
In the meantime, various makeup formerly used to add color to the model's cheeks was packed away, unneeded in the crisp, below-zero wind chills. Knee-high mukluks, ear and hand muffs added to the desultory mystique of SI marketing managers, who huddled over hot tawdries to consider how to pull a snowshoe rabbit out of a parka hood.
Julie Kay Smithson
(Printer friendly version) 
