What Not to Wear at an Al Qaeda Interview
By Miguel Guanipa (05/15/07)
One of the key pieces of evidence in the federal trial of American-born jihadist Jose Padilla was a document found in a safe house in Afghanistan that could best be described as an Al Qaeda job application. Padilla allegedly completed this application to enroll in Al Qaeda and begin his formal training with that organization in 2000.
Upon reviewing the application, I noticed what I consider to be rather peripheral questions like “What is your field of preference for future work” and “What are your plans after training”, and found that it was sorely wanting in terms of what many aspiring applicants usually look for when inquiring about the expectations of any given organization in which they wish to pursue a career.
In fact I believe one of the reasons American intelligence agencies have not been able to successfully infiltrate Al Qaeda is that they have not properly trained the few lucky applicants who have had the rare opportunity of landing an interview with that corporation.
To wit, I have assembled below a fifteen questions I feel are necessary for any prospective al Qaeda employee, with the intent of helping the applicant to gather more pertinent facts about that organization’s employment policies, and be able to make a more informed decision, as he or she pursues a future career with them or any other equally reputable organization that specializes in the much coveted career of terrorism.
1. What is the proper attire one should wear when showing up for an interview with Al Qaeda? Do you have to wear a tie or do they prefer more casual attire?
2. Should you follow up if the Al Qaeda human resources department mails you one of those cheesy postcards that states they are going to keep your application on file until a position is posted that better suits your qualifications? Where do they keep these files anyway? Do they even have dehumidifiers in these caves to keep these documents from getting moldy?
3. Are Al Qaeda operatives into the group interview style where two or more company representatives sit with you and fire questions at will, or are they more inclined to do the one person interview? If so, how many interviews do you have to go through before they feel you are qualified enough to perform the duties of the job?
4. Is Al Qaeda an organization that promotes career advancement programs? For example, how long before you can move up from the entry level position as a suicide bomber? And a corollary to that question is what benchmarks do you use to track success in that particular career path?
5. What type of in-house training does the Al Qaeda organization offer? What kinds of equipment are you required to purchase on your own? Do they provide their own vests, and if so, how much license are you allowed in fitting your terrorist outfit according to your own personal fashion taste?
6. Do you need to put a special requisition order for an orange outfit in the event that you get your own hostage or are these provided by your manager on a need basis?
7. Is the beard mandatory and are the showers really optional as is claimed in the recruiting commercials?
8. How many innocent people do you have to kill before you are awarded your own rocket launcher?
9. Do you need any typing skills?
10. What kind of vacation time and health benefits does your organization offer other than the 70 virgins and eternal rest with Allah?
11. How many warnings (written or oral) do you have to receive before you are relieved from your duties as terrorist?
12. Does al Qaeda offer any kind of placement options to other organizations like the ETA or the Islamic Front? How long do you have to be at your present position before you can post for a position in these other corporations?
13. Do you have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, or should some people not even bother to apply? Basically what is the diversity policy in your organization?
14. What is the average payroll deduction for term life insurance benefits if any?
15. Are there any current employees in the department I am applying for interested in camel pooling, and is there such a thing as “casual Fridays” in your organization?
These are just a few of the questions which I would strongly advise any prospective employee who is serious about pursuing a career in the glamorous world of terrorism, to review beforehand so that he or she can address them with the senior Mujahideen Human Resources representative who conducts your interview.
http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/story?id=3170794&page=1
http://abcnews.go.com/images/TheLaw/padilladoc.pdf
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