Rules By Which To Live
By Bob Parks (05/27/07)
A follow up... .
Over two months ago, my youngest son was banished to live with his mother out of sheer frustration. As we also well knew, that as his mother would not be receiving money for his existence (and she has not given me a dime for support for years), it was only a matter of time before we'd get the call that he'd be returning.
The call came.
That was an emotional time in our home. With the exception of our 9-year-old daughter who thinks he's cool, no one wanted my son to come back. This was especially true for his stepmother here who has no blood ties to him and who was personally touched several times by his lying and stealing.
There was talk of selling the house, and Kim talked about staying in the bedroom when he was around. We had resigned ourselves to the fact he was coming back and our lives were to be made hell by a 17 year old. She talked with her sister who suggested a proactive approach might be personally empowering and may turn my son around.
Believe it or not, it DOES take two to parent. As my sons were my sons, I didn't want to impose on her to help me raise them. I have assumed the father role with her daughter, but I let my sons, in a respectful way, get away with murder while having no maternal influence in their lives. That is, until now….
Kim composed a five-page group of rules by which to live. I had the opportunity to add or change what she wrote, and I pretty much went with it as is. We've all heard how kids want structure. Well, my youngest son was going to get just that.
The following is published with permission….
RULES BY WHICH TO LIVE
1. NO STEALING!! If anything is missing from this house, the police will be called and you will have to explain it to them. We have lived for almost a month now and nothing that belongs to anyone in this house has conveniently "disappeared". Using something that you know belongs to someone else and not you without their permission is a form of stealing.
You should also refrain from stealing outside of the house. It is only a matter of time before you get caught stealing from someone who is bigger and stronger than you or has a big gun and no qualms about shooting thieves. I will be performing periodic "raids" on your room to make sure you are not bringing stolen merchandise into OUR house.
2. NO UNAUTHORIZED ENTRY!! All bedrooms, with the exception of your own, are off limits to you, unless you are invited in to them. (If you need a mirror, use the one in the bathroom. If you need to borrow something from your brother, wait until he is home to ask him.) If I catch you coming out of my room or sneaking out of your brother's room, you will lose internet time.
3. NO LYING!! If you are caught in a lie, Internet time will be taken away accordingly. It is time to stop lying every time you open your mouth. You are not a child and you certainly, by now, know the difference between right and wrong. You do not make friends or make people like you by making up stories or trying to cover your ass by not living up to what you have done. People know when you are lying, and it makes you look like a fool.
4. RESPECT YOURSELF!! You will shower at LEAST every other night. You will do this at night, when I am awake, so I know that it is done.
5. KEEP YOUR ROOM CLEAN!! This means, NO FOOD OR SODA in your room. All consumption shall be done downstairs. NO PILES OF CLOTHING hidden under the bed or in the closet. You will make your bed every day and do laundry at least once a week. I will inspect your room periodically. These inspections will be unannounced surprises. I will not only be looking for messes, but also for contraband and stolen merchandise. You are not 18 so I should not find cigarettes or X-rated videos in your room as it is against the law for you to purchase these items. You should not be having sex, so I should not be finding condoms in your room. You are not 21 so I should not be finding empty alcohol bottles in your room. You are no longer stealing so I should not be finding items that do not belong to you in your room.
6. SCHOOL ATTENDANCE I will be waking you up at 6:30 AM and you will be taking the bus to school. If you miss the bus, you will walk to school, and I will be calling to make sure you are there. If for some reason I find that you did not make it to school, I will be informing the school of your unexcused absence. You will not be missing any days of school due to sickness unless you have a fever above 100 or you are bleeding to death. If you should get "sick" in school, the school nurse will be calling me as her and I have already had discussions, and she knows I am aware of your tendency to lie. Together, she and I will determine the best course of action
7. EMPLOYMENT You will be getting a job. "Idle hands are the devil's tools" so if you are working, you will not have time to get into trouble. You will be going from establishment to establishment filling out applications and attending interviews until you are successful in obtaining employment. There will be no discussion as to what is acceptable employment to you. You will apply anywhere and everywhere until someone hires you. All honest work is good work.
8. CURFEW There will be no more wandering the streets aimlessly. You will be home by 9pm on school nights and 10pm on weekends unless you are working later than that. For every 5 minutes you are late, you will subtract ½ hour off of Internet time. In addition, if you are ½ hour late, you will not leave the house the next day. If you are 1 hour late, you will not leave the house for three days. Each ½ hour after that which you are late adds 2 days onto your punishment. There will be no exceptions made and no excuses as to why you are late will be accepted.
9. GRADES Your high school is barely an accredited high school. It is unacceptable to fail classes in such an underperforming school. I will be in constant contact by email and phone with your principal, guidance counselor and teachers. I will keep up with what is being assigned and when it is due. I will be checking your homework at periodic intervals. You will do what is expected of you to maintain at least a C average in all subjects. With each failing grade of D or below you receive, your Internet privileges will be suspended for 1 month, regardless of how much time you have earned. With each F, you will be grounded for 2 weeks. Therefore, if you get a D and an F, you will lose Internet for 2 months and be grounded for 2 weeks. If you get 2 Fs, you will lose Internet for 2 months and be grounded for 1 month.
10. EMPTY HOUSE There will be no one in the house when your father and I are not here. There are no exceptions to this rule. I will be leaving work early periodically and your dad, my sister and my parents will be showing up unannounced to make sure that this rule is being followed. If we find out someone has been in the house when we are not here, you will be grounded for 2 weeks and will lose ½ hour of internet time.
11. NO FREE LUNCH Your father will no longer be providing you with free money for cell phone minutes, the movies or whatever other convenient excuse you may use to get money off of him. He, your brother, and I all work for our money as no one supplies any of us with unearned cash. There is no reason why, as an able bodied 17 year old, you cannot be working too. Working gives oneself a wonderful feeling of accomplishment.
12. PITCH IN As a member of this household, you will be expected to help out regardless of your outside employment. Your brother has been doing the dishes for long enough now, and I am putting him on vacation. Dirty dishes now belong to you. Washing them will help earn Internet time; NOT washing them will take away Internet time and add time on to your imprisonment.
KEEP THIS IN MIND: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction; therefore, you screw up, you lose privileges.
GROUNDING MEANING: You do not leave the house for other than school and/or work.
Each F results in a 2 week grounding.
½ hour late for curfew results in 1 day of grounding.
1 hour late for curfew results in 3 days of grounding.
Each additional ½ hour late for curfew adds 2 days of grounding.
Not washing dishes results in 1 day of grounding
Each day your room is messy results in 1 day of grounding.
INTERNET PRIVILEGES
You begin with no Internet privileges at all.
You will use the Internet, downstairs, in the kitchen at the desk.
The laptop will not be allowed in your room at anytime.
If you have school work that requires Internet time, and you do not have enough time saved up, you will have to use the Internet elsewhere. There will be NO exceptions, so do not even bother to ask.
EARNING TIME
Doing dishes each day earns 10 minutes per day.
A clean room earns 5 minutes per day.
Being home on time earns 10 minutes per day
LOSING TIME
Each failing grade of D or below suspends Internet privileges for 1 month
Every 5 minutes you are out past curfew suspends ½ hour of Internet time
Not doing dishes takes away ½ hour of Internet time (per day)
A messy room takes away 10 minutes per day.
Being caught in or coming out of someone's room when you are not invited in takes away 10 minutes
LYING AND/OR STEALING WILL RESULT IN INDEFINITE SUSPENSION OF INTERNET PRIVILIGES.
You can have a negative Internet balance if you continuously break rules
Your time can be used as soon as you earn it or banked for longer use later.
After talking with her, we decided that Kim would be the "enforcer" with my son, and upon his return to our home (after a mere 30 days), we all sat down at the dining table, and he was issued the rules. We went over them one-by-one and, to tell you the truth, we both thought it was only a matter of time before we had to explore other disciplinary options.
After around a month, I am pleased to report that there is peace in our home. There have been a couple of minor bumps, but for the most part, we quite possibly have a changed child on our hands. I totally credit Kim's rules that were imposed, not negotiated. The rules were enforced by the parent that wouldn't waver.
These rules may not be for everyone but it's apparent without structure, kids feel quite comfortable walking over everyone that supports and cares for them. Dictating rules "because I said so" may have worked with us, but the outside influences work against us every day. So a reward system seemed to do the trick, especially when you know what's important to the child. In our case, Internet time used in a common area is the carrot.
Chores are being done by all our children, without the squawky and whining and drama.
Rules. Who woulda' thunk it.
http://blackandright.mensnewsdaily.com/2007/05/27/rules-by-which-to-live/
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