Al Qaida is in the Arctic; Send the Troops
By James T. Moore (06/05/07)
Breaking news just in from Intercontinental Correspondent Roger Slipstreem, of M.A.R. Daily, (Mostly Accurate Reporting). According to the communique--which "Slip" tells us he had to hold over a Franklin stove to defrost before he could send it--"Large contingents of ferocious al Qaida terrorists have been seen roaming the ice packs near the desolate North Pole, allegedly scouting for access to several locations that are essential to America's security. "Among these vital locations are a gigantic block of ice that used to be America's Arctic Security Station, (A.S.S.), until it froze solid when the crew ran out of fuel oil.
“Also, there are hundreds of igloos with Eskimo families marching around outside, demanding reparations for not being included in America’s ‘diversity mix’. But probably the most vulnerable to al Qaida terrorist attacks is the Slim Pickens Trading Post. “Frostbite” Anderson, proprietor, is famous in the arctic region for giving an American flag FREE with every purchase of 20 pounds or more of whale blubber. Updates to follow”.
But the al Qaida bunch is in for a surprise. President Bush and his “war” staff have been formulating plans to send a company of Rangers into the frozen tundra of the Arctic Circle to ferret out the al Qaida terrorists, and if they resist, nuke them. Who will know?
Hold it right there. No troops are being sent the North Pole. Yet. But it’s more than satire. After all, the Bush administration, and most administrations before him, have quietly managed to inundate the planet with American troops who should be in the United States defending our borders So why shouldn’t Bush be expected to continue the foreign policy of covering every inch of the earth’s surface with Americans in uniform?
Besides, sending U.S. troops to the North Pole to defend America’s freedom wouldn’t be any more crazy than sending our soldiers to Haiti to dig water wells (which we did), or the Congo to evacuate 57 people and one dog (which we did). Except that at the North Pole, a soldier’s pee turns to icicles before he can zip up. That kind of defense of freedom brings a lump to my throat.
As for the number of American G.I.’s away from home, we have troops deployed around the world, from Australia to Zimbabwe. That isn’t national defense, folks, that’s a national disgrace. It’s a nasty situation in which U.S. servicemen may have to shed blood for no legitimate reason; and U.S. taxpayers, will have to keep paying more through the nose for this unconstitutional, hegemonic global sweep.
You might be wondering where some of our troops are stationed so that you can write them off...er..write them a letter. Columnist Justin Raimundo recently posted for us a partial list of where U.S. troops are deployed, and how many, with an implied question: For what? They are: Korea (38,000), Kuwait (152,000 soldiers and marines), Philippines (1,800), Iceland (1666), Belgium (1,574), Macedonia (351), Germany (70,000), Okinawa 40,025, Iraq and Afghanistan 140,000, and this is just a fraction of the total number of American troops "in action" around the globe.
There are several unassailable arguments for why dozens of American bases on foreign soil, should now be shut down and the troops sent home. First, soldiers and sailors at many of these installations have done their duty, accomplished what they were sent to do, and therefore there is no logical reason why they are kept there---except to build warehouses, repair roads, and guard rain forests in Brazil.
A spokesman for the Army’s Public Affairs Office put it this way: “In most of those 150 (foreign) countries, American troop deployments have nothing whatsoever to do with U.S. security. The armed forces have become the referee, all-purpose handyman, and heavily-armed Good Samaritan. Second, all these bases, staffed with American personnel, are targets for terrorists, which makes them tripwires that can set off future conflicts. But with our troops no longer there, terrorists are deprived of the opportunity to strike at America through foreign bases, and conflicts can be avoided.
So, I have a suggestion, Mister President. If you’re not going to bring our troops home from around the world, at least have the good sense (if that's possible) never to send them to the North Pole. The Arctic Security Station (A.S.S.) never needed them, the angry Eskimos never wanted them, and the Slim Pickens Trading Post just ran out of American flags.
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