Immigration Reform for Dummies
By Chuck Muth (06/18/07)
Let's see if I can simplify this immigration reform brouhaha:
If I had hopped over the White House fence, made it past the guards and into the Lincoln Bedroom where I’ve lived in the shadows for the past few years, under the concept behind the president’s “comprehensive” immigration reform proposal I’ll be able to come out of the closet, so to speak, and continue living unmolested in the Lincoln Bedroom providing I pay a $1,000 fine and apply for a new “Z” Visa or MasterCard.
That’s not all, of course. I’ll still have to find a job that Americans won’t do. Which I guess means something like Attorney General, Secretary of Commerce or Chairman of the Republican National Committee.
In case you’ve missed President Bush’s national “No Illegal Alien Left Behind” tour over the past few weeks, those three positions are presently held by Hispanics Alberto Gonzales, Carlos Gutierrez and Mel Martinez respectively. “But Chuck,” I hear someone say, “those hombres aren’t illegal immigrants. They’re here in the country legally. They’re as American as you are.”
Umm, exactly.
Yet in speech after speech after speech, the President rolls out this trio as window dressing for his immigration proposal. But the pressing problem in this country today isn’t immigrants who have come to this country LEGALLY; it’s the 12 million-plus who have come here ILLEGALLY. The president is being disingenuous, at best, in continually trotting out The Three Latinos as poster boys for his “comprehensive” immigration reform plan.
But let’s get back to my new “regularized” life in the White House.
Now that I’ve paid my $1,000 “fine” and have a brand-spanking new “Z” in my pocket, plus a job Americans won’t do (congratulate me; I’m the new vice president!), I get to eat in the White House kitchen anytime my tummy rumbles, have my kids privately tutored in the Oval Office, and have access to the U.S. Surgeon General anytime I get the sniffles. All free. Or rather, at taxpayer expense.
Now if I keep my nose to the grindstone and don’t break any laws – or I should say, any MORE laws - plus come up with an additional $5,000 in cash, I’ll soon be on a path to becoming a full-fledged Bush. That means cigar-boat rides in Kennebunkport, my own personal horse at the Crawford ranch, and silver spoons for the mouths of all my kids. Mucho bueno!
But what happens if George and Laura invite, you know, some REAL guests to come stay in the White House with them? Where are they going to sleep? Even though I broke into the Lincoln Bedroom and was never invited there in the first place, I now have a right to stay (but don’t call it amnesty!). So there’s no room for any future guests who, you know, might actually be INVITED to come stay in the White House.
But don’t dare object, you people! Anyone who doesn’t think I should be allowed to remain in the Lincoln Bedroom after paying my $1,000 fine just doesn’t want to do what’s right for America.
Copyright 2007 Chuck Muth. All rights reserved.
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