The Comprehensive-Universal-Modern-American Solution
By Lee Culpepper (06/23/07)
Facing despair, too many Americans have grown cynical of the quagmire of partisan politics inside the Beltway. With the endless arguments over illegal immigration, prison capacity, stem cell research, abortion, healthcare, unemployment, public education, and much more, surly every conscientious American yearns for solutions. To this point, our quibbling politicians continue to let us down, as they scurry shamelessly to serve their egocentric agendas versus honoring their oaths to serve the average American like you and me.
The consequences of politicians’ failures confront us every day. The deplorable conditions of indigent citizens, as well as “non-documented” citizens, can stir sorrow in the most pitiless and greedy among us. The senseless crimes committed by misunderstood gang-bangers and persecuted drug addicts can rouse a modicum of anger even in exemplary pacifists like the women of Code Pink. Moreover, the outrageous costs and abuses of the world’s finest healthcare system have finally been exposed, thanks to the American symbol of courage -- Michael Moore -- and his riveting documentary Sicko (which regrettably I have not seen). Regardless, with our advancement in medical science along with our laws to protect abortion, impeding the progress of stem-cell research no longer makes sense.
Granted, unemployment is incredibly low, but it still exists. We must create better paying jobs for the Americans who are unwilling to work, at least at the low-paying jobs they force non-American workers to do. Furthermore, these new jobs would also create opportunities for our otherwise law-abiding “un-documented citizens,” as well.
Public education also continues its dismal performance despite our pouring more money into the system than ever before. Nevertheless, leading politicians, teacher union leaders, and self-proclaimed education experts all bemoan we still need to spend more money.
I believe the problems in Washington lie in the complexity of the solutions the politicians try create. I have spent considerable time formulating a simplistic but effective strategy to combat all of these issues through one initiative. I have a friend from a communist Third World nation who assures me similar programs are currently working for his country. Through much musing, I have surmised that competition in our society could perfect a similar practice while remedying many of our society’s afflictions.
Our politicians simply need to remove the tolls and barriers that currently impede our implementing what I’ve entitled The Comprehensive-Universal-Modern-American Solution. My bipartisan plan has something for all of us.
First, we begin by recruiting illegal immigrants willing to harvest some of their body parts for medical research. Unlike the communist approach, this will be strictly voluntary. The one exception to voluntary participation would be for our violent criminals, of course. I realize my solution is unorthodox; however, we would simply need to recover from the pistol-whipping of politically correctness that we’ve received over the last several decades. Furthermore, I’m convinced even the PC disciples will find this solution rather enticing.
The legalization of this revolutionary industry would surly strike a surge in America’s Gross Domestic Product. The distribution channel would create a plethora of new jobs. It would also improve the already world’s-finest-healthcare system -- but more importantly -- it would drive down healthcare prices as participation increased; it’s basic economics: supply and demand. Another positive outcome would be that the struggling hospitals along our borders, which provide much of the free healthcare to illegal immigrants, would probably benefit the most financially. They would quickly become the wholesale suppliers of this new industry. It’s exactly the shot in the arm these hospitals need.
Imagine the possibilities. How much would a wealthy, blind American be willing to pay for a perfectly good eyeball? Diabetes? Not a problem -- here’s a pancreas, but it’s gonna’ cost you. Need a liver? Let’s talk.
No American would want to send home an illegal immigrant who is willing to donate a healthy kidney to an American in need. Such a sacrifice epitomizes patriotism.
My plan is not restricted to illegal immigrants by any means. As the industry grows, the economic incentive to market newborn organs just might spur welfare, middle-class, and upper-class women alike not to consider abortions. Sure an operation is a lot for a little tike to endure, but the hardship of such a surgery would be much less traumatic on the infant than any abortion would be. And at $250,000 for a kidney, that’s a lot of cash for anyone to pass up. With the right financial incentive, unwanted pregnancies would quickly become an oxymoron.
Our education system would blossom, too. Getting Grandma to part with a lung would surly provide ample profit to send Junior to private school. Eventually, much less money would be spent on public schools because no one would be attending them.
The benefits would never stop either. With all the spare parts that would eventually be lying around, embryonic-stem-cell research would become a thing of the past.
To resolve prison overcrowding, we could easily create more space by harvesting the vital organs from inmates on death row. Talk about a common sense approach. These people could truly do something to pay for their crimes. They would no longer forcefully siphon money from taxpayers keeping them alive. For the criminals who join the program with high cholesterol or weight issues, well, we simply put them on a rigorous workout and diet schedule until they’re healthy again, and then it’s off to see the surgeon!
For the illegal immigrants who commit additional crimes once they’re here, we could finance their deportations by allowing them to choose the body part they want to donate to a needy American. It’s a win-win situation.
Finally, just consider all the tax revenue this could create. Name a politician who wouldn’t love that.
I’m sure Republicans and Democrats will clearly see the significant amount of common ground my solution offers both parties. It’s time to come together, America, so contact your representatives today!
Lee Culpepper
Satire
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