Plagiarism Acknowledged!
By Doug Edelman (11/22/07)
Circulating on the Internet and in virally forwarded emails today, there is a series of pithy quips and comments attributed to George Carlin (and less commonly, to Ted Nugent), under the heading "I Am A Bad American". While neither wrote it, and both have denied its authorship publically, it continues to circulate because the statements themselves resonate so well with so many people!
It even appears on the websites of both gentlemen… Carlin posts it to deny writing it… he’s a leftist who would never make such statements.
Nugent, a bit more of a conservative, posts it on his site because, though he didn’t write it, he says he wishes he had!
Supposedly the actual author, who’s name has long been lost to the internet, wrote it as a response to one of those “how to be a good Republican” or “how to be a good Democrat” articles. (I understand the motivation… my most recent column before this one was also a response to the “how to be a good Republican” email!)
The piece beautifully represents the thinking of millions of everyday Americans, and rightfully is propagating throughout Cyberspace. It is a shame that it is being generally attributed to a man who holds few of the views it represents!
So, until and unless the actual author makes a public effort to take credit for the piece – PLEASE – feel free to attribute the piece falsely to ME! I can use the notoriety! And the piece deserves to be read and shared. It is plagiarized below:
I'm A Bad American.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I think playing with toy guns doesn't make you a killer - I believe ignoring your kids and giving them psychoactive medication might.
I think I'm doing better than the homeless.
I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I have the right not to be tolerant of others because they are weird or make me mad. This is my life to live, and not necessarily up to others expectations.
I know what SEX is and that there are not varying degrees of it.
I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. But if you want to that's fine; just don't feel like everyone else should have to.
I believe that if you are selling me a Dairy Queen shake, a pack of cigarettes, or hotel room you do it in English.
As of matter of fact, if you intend to live in America, you should speak English. My uncles and forefathers shouldn't have had to die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come disrespect ours, and make us bend to your will. Get over it.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry butt if you're running from them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word 'freeze' or 'stop' in English, see the previous line.
I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
I know how to count votes and I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation do a recount when needed.
I know what the definition of lying is, and it isn't based on the word IS -- ever.
I don't think that just because you were not born in this country, you should qualify for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans, etc., so you can open a hotel, 7-Eleven, trinket shop, or anything else. Especially while those born and raised here can't get past a high school education because they can't afford it.
I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet.
I thought the Taco Bell dog was funny.
I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.
I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang, but that doesn't mean I want to listen to that crap from someone else's car when I'm stopped at a red light. But I respect your right to.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster or Jack In The Box.
Our soldiers did not go to some foreign country and risk their lives in vain and defend our Constitution so that decades later you can tell me it's a living document ever changing and is open to interpretation. The guys who wrote it were light years ahead of anyone today, and they meant what they said; now leave the document alone, or there's going to be trouble.
I don't hate the rich. I help the poor.
I know wrestling is fake.
I've never owned, or was a slave, and a large percentage of our forefathers weren't wealthy enough to own one either. Please stop blaming me because some prior white people were idiots.
And remember, tons of white, Indian, Chinese, Jews, and other races have been enslaved too; it was wrong for every one of them.
I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
I want to know exactly which church is it where the "Reverend" Jessie Jackson preaches; and, what exactly is his job function.
I own a gun, you can own a gun, and any red blooded American should be allowed to own a gun, but if you use it in a crime, then you will serve the time.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it makes you mad, then invent the next operating system that's better and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.
I don't believe in hate crime legislation. Even suggesting it makes me mad. You're telling me that someone who is a minority, gay, disabled, another nationality, or otherwise different from the mainstream of this country has more value as a human being that I do as a white male? If someone kills anyone, I'd say that it's a hate crime.
We don't need more laws! Let's enforce the ones we already have.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child; it takes a parent with the guts to stand up to the kid and spank his butt and say "NO!" when it's necessary to do so.
I'll admit that the only movie that ever made me cry was Ole Yeller.
I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid.
I will not be frowned upon or be looked down upon or be made to keep silent because I have these beliefs and opinions. I thought this country allowed me that right. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
Yes, I guess by some people's definition, I may be a bad American.
But that's tough.
Copyright © 2007 by Doug Edelman
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