Happy 2003
By Doug Hagin (01/02/03)
Goodbye to 2002, another year down the historical drain so to speak. And of course hello to 2003, a year which holds mysteries yet unknown for all of us. This is the time of year, which everyone takes a look back, and a peek forward at the same time. We all try to see what is coming while looking back and trying to figure out what happened.
Very special time, and if you happen to write a newspaper column, like yours truly does, then you are pretty much duty bound to write one of two columns. Either the year in review type of column or the look ahead slash prediction type of column.
Well my friends right now I am in no mood for looking back, so y’all will have to deal with the dreaded prediction columns. Now, as long time readers of this column are no doubt aware my predictions usually do not pan out.
This year, however, I took a different approach to my prognosticating. Instead of going into debt dialing the psychic hotline, or reading those tabloids found at every grocery store checkout line I decided to just take some wild guesses. This method certainly can not damage my batting record can it? So here are the strange and wonderful events you can expect in 2003.
Al Gore, despite having already withdrawn from the 2004 Presidential race will still set a record for number of falsehoods told in a year, barely holding off Je$$e Jackson.
Speaking of good old Je$$e Jackson, he will become so desperate for attention and publicity he will pick a fight with Al Sharpton over who is the bigger troublemaker. This feud will soon turn ugly devolving to the point where the two will face off at wrestling pay per view in a hair versus hair match.
The NAACP, also seeking another way to raise revenues without doing anything constructive will boycott itself demanding the word colored be dropped from their name.
As the war against terrorists rages on Liberal nut cases including many Hollywood types will continue to whine and bash the United States. Peace protesters also will continue to make themselves laughing stocks as their antics continue to grow more asinine as the year goes on.
The Klueless Klutz Klan, looking for a way to improve their public image, will start a letter-writing campaign to show they have changed their ways. But the campaign will fail when the Klanners are unable to find their crayons and are thus unable to write any letters.
Trent Lott will reemerge after having his foot surgically removed from his mouth. Of course Democrats will continue to hound him for absolutely no reason except partisan politics.
Republicans will continue to be afraid of being labeled racist by Democrats until it dawns on them that Democrats will call them racists no matter what they do. Also Republicans will finally realize no one with any sense at all listens to the Democrats when they spout such hyperbole anyway.
The outbreak of Offendeditis, which has plagued Liberals, will continue to spread throughout the world. Signs of this spread will include the NAACP boycotting cotton, the NOW boycotting Hooters, and PETA boycotting common sense.
Smoking and cell phones will continue to be banned and regulated as we move towards a more socialist society. Smoking in your own home will be outlawed somewhere in America and still the smoking Nazis will not be sated.
Cell phone usage, a legal activity, will continue to be curtailed by pinhead politicians with too much time on their hands.
The campaign of idiocy against guns will rage on as towns start to ban BB guns and water pistols in public places. No my friends the stupidity knows no bounds.
Abortion advocates will begin to publicly push for retroactive abortions up until two years. Yes this may seem far-fetched but trust me the pro-abortion side IS that sick!
Meat will also continue to be a targeted item. Look for more lawsuits against fast-food chains by greedy fat people and their greedy lawyers. Also look for steakhouses to become targets as well.
Look as well for video games to be targeted more often. The blame anything for crime but the criminal mentality is really going to get out of hand in 2003.
In entertainment news Halle Berry, Salma Hayeck, Alyssa Milano, and Tia Carrere will fight it out over a small town Texas newspaper columnist. Hey, look I can dream can’t I?
In sports the Stars will raise the Stanley Cup, The Mavericks will win the NBA championship, the Rangers will get better, and the cowboys will hire Bill Parcells.
Also in sports news college football will still have no playoffs and will continue to have idiotic bowl games instead. Can you say Continental Tire Bowl?
So there you have them. My predictions for 2003. Take them or leave them, just do not blame me when they do come true.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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