The Presidential "Honey Do" List
By Thomas Lindaman (11/03/08)
By the time you read this, it will either be close to Election Day, Election Day, or after Election Day. (As you can tell, I like to nail that kind of stuff down.) Regardless of who wins on November 4, there are more than a few issues that he will have to address. I won’t be able to cover them all, but here are the ones I think are the most important.
The War on Terrorism Remember this? For many years, terrorism was a big issue, but with the economy being more unstable than Britney Spears partying with Sybil, it’s taken a back seat. It shouldn’t, mainly because, well, there are people trying to kill us! If we lose the war on terrorism, the economy, the environment, and your 401(k) might take a back seat to bowing to Allah or be beheaded.
The Economy This one’s a no-brainer. We need to get our economic house in order. The problem the incoming President faces is the fact that he really doesn’t have that much to do with the economy, and with good reason. If the President had as much power as we think he does to affect monetary policy, Bill Clinton would have tipping strippers tax deductible. Granted, the lack of ability doesn’t prevent Presidents from trying to fix the economy, but the best thing the incoming President can do is to leave it alone. The more you try to fix it, the more messed up it will be.
The Environment The environment is a lot like the economy in that Presidents keep trying to get a handle on it, but they keep failing to do anything that will help. We’re not even sure man has that big of a role in the state of the planet. If the incoming President wants to do something positive to help the planet, get a group of scientists to give us a definitive answer on whether we’re the planet killers Al Gore says we are. And while we’re at it, can we tell Gore to shut up about protecting the planet while he’s tooling around in environmentally unfriendly modes of transportation? That would be the other positive thing the President could do for the environment.
Energy Policy We need the next President to work on an energy policy. Where should he start? I’m just throwing this out there, but maybe he should focus on actually coming up with an energy policy. Although oil should be utilized in the formation of this policy in the short term, we need to look elsewhere for more long term solutions. Surely the country that came up with the technological wonder that is the Flowbee can figure out a way to harness alternate energy sources.
Partisanship Normally this wouldn’t be such a problem, but right now we’re sitting on a political powder keg that could explode into violence at any time. We have people threatening the lives of politicians, shouting expletives, and saying all sorts of ugly things about political opponents. And that’s just Alec Baldwin. The next President is going to have to figure out a way to keep Democrats and Republicans from being at each other’s throats. My suggestion: give everybody pudding. Have you ever seen a riot when people were eating pudding? I rest my case.
Foreign Policy Contrary to what Nancy Pelosi thinks, the President is the one who sets the pace with foreign policy. Democrats love to say that George W. Bush ruined our image in the eyes of the world with his actions in the Iraq war. Of course, it would make sense if it were true. Face it, America hasn’t been beloved around the world for a long time, and the Iraq War was an excuse for the people who didn’t like us to…well, not like us. The next President may want to try to change that, but I would suggest we do it on a case-by-case basis. Keep good relations with France, Germany, England, Iraq, and Australia. Keep a short leash on China, Russia, North Korea, and Iran. And tell the United Nations to leave the peace keeping to the United States military.
The Housing Crisis Okay, who here didn’t see that the Bush bailout of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac was going to end worse than letting Ryan Secrest be a contestant in Mr. Universe? I mean aside from Congress. The housing situation can’t be fixed by government, except in one area. We need to let mortgage companies go back to doing business where they would…now get this…refuse to give a loan to people who wouldn’t be able to pay back the loan. Sure, this would mean that some people wouldn’t be able to own a house, but that doesn’t put them out on the street. It merely means they look into apartment living for a while until they can be more fiscally responsible. Is that so bad?
Put simply, either John McCain or Barack Obama is going to have a lot on his plate when he takes office in January. And I have the same advice for both of them before they tackle these and any other issues that are out there.
Take a nap.
Thomas Lindaman
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