New Year’s Resolutions For 2004
By Ann Huggett (01/09/04)
I gave up making New Year’s Resolutions long ago but that doesn’t mean I can’t make them up for other people! Forgive me if I go for the big guns of this world but making up New Year’s Resolutions for the neighborhood postman just doesn’t cut the mustard for me.
No matter how many times I ask him to deliver the right mail to the right people, he still shuffles the letters between the four tenants in my apartment building leaving us to sort things out amongst ourselves. Some people you just can’t fix but at least their version of evil incompetence is without earth-shattering importance. No, I’m talking about the brainiacs whose egoistic temper tantrums carry life and death consequences for millions of people worldwide. I figure that my 2004 Resolutions-by-proxy stand as much chance of being honored as if the leaders named had made them up for themselves anyway so here goes:
SECRETARY GENERAL OF THE UN KOFI ANNAN: I hereby resolve in 2004 to reform the UN since it’s currently ineffectual, wastes money, solves nothing, pushes environmentalism which interferes with the development of impoverished Third World countries, and has a nasty habit of appointing countries which support terrorism to the UN Security Council.
PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH: I hereby resolve in 2004 to stop obsessing over whether to offer illegal immigrants amnesty and secure America’s borders for the sake of national security.
SECRETARY OF STATE COLIN POWELL: I hereby resolve to realign the State Department so that it promotes true freedom and democracy rather than the warmed over socialism it is currently promoting in Latin America.
PRIME MINISTER TONY BLAIR: I hereby resolve in 2004 to be honest about the EU’s intentions and finally admit that it wants nothing less than the total destruction of UK sovereignty.
CHANCELLOR GERHARD SCHROEDER: I hereby resolve in 2004 to leave the EU since I have no intention of obeying any of the rules made up by the faceless, unelected bureaucrats in Brussels who are so sorry that they missed out on the Third Reich so much that they want to recreate it as the Fourth Reich.
KING FAUD BIN ABD AL-AZIZ AL SAUD: I hereby resolve in 2004 to stop funding Wahhabi terrorism and encourage a total reform of Islam so that it truly becomes a real Religion of Peace of which one can be justifiably proud.
PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN: I hereby resolve in 2004 to stop accumulating all power to me like I was the next tsar and reinstitute true and open democratic reform to Russia rather than just turn it back into a former shadow of its failed soviet state.
PRESIDENT JINTAO HU: I hereby resolve in 2004 to let the Taiwanese go their own way since they’d be better as business partners rather than corpses.
PRESIDENT FIDEL CASTRO: I hereby resolve in 2004 to stop exporting revolution, misery, mayhem, gangsterism, and communism to Central and South America and to retire to a Jesuit seminary where I can spend the rest of my life in prayer and penance for what I did to a beautiful island and people.
PRESIDENT HUGO CHAVEZ: I hereby resolve in 2004 to stop the Cubanization of Venezuela and abide by the voters’ recall since they know a bad leader when they see one.
(FORMER) PRESIDENT SADDAM HUSSEIN: I hereby resolve in 2004 to sing like a bird about my involvement with Osama bin Laden and the whereabouts of my Weapons of Mass Destruction.
JACQUES CHIRAC: I hereby resolve in 2004 to be subtler in how I knife the USA in the back.
Okay, well Chirac is a “gimme” and as I stated earlier, some people you just can’t fix. Me? I resolve in 2004 to visit New York City at least once a month so I can learn my way around, hang out in chic little bistros, and, cheapskate that I am, window shop till I drop.
RELATED ARTICLES:
· http://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/chiefs/
Chiefs of State and Cabinet Members of Foreign Governments
· http://www.americanpatrol.com/BUSH/WillingWkrBS-Xscript031215.html
American Patrol: President Bush Holds Press Conference
· http://www.techcentralstation.com/090803A.html
TCS: To Secure the Blessings of Liberty
· http://customwire.ap.org/dynamic/stories/V/VENEZUELA_RECALL?SITE=DCTMS&SECTION=HOME
The Washington Times: Opposition Warns Chavez Over Recall
· http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2003/10/24/weu24.xml
The Telegraph: German plans for Euro-army show ‘Blair is deceiving Britain’
· http://www.atimes.com/atimes/China/EL16Ad01.html
Asia Times: China and Taiwan: Whose status quo?
(Printer friendly version) Email: Ann Huggett
