If The Media Treated Basketball Games Like They Treat The War On Terror
By John Hawkins (05/18/04)
Dan Koppel: I'm your announcer Dan Koppel here with my co-hosts Peter Brokaw and Laurie Malkin. It's late in the third quarter and the Damascus Jihadis have the LA Lakers on the ropes. It has been a dominating performance by the Jihadis...
Peter Brokaw: You said it Dan! Nothing has gone right for the Lakers tonight and coach Phil Jackson's gameplan is the likely culprit. Do you agree Dan?
Dan Koppel: Absolutely! This whole game has just been an embarrassing travesty for Laker fans...
Laurie Malkin: Guys, I hate to disagree but the Lakers are leading 108-24...
Dan Koppel: Come on Laurie, show some professionalism and stop your mindless cheerleading for the Lakers...
Laurie Malkin: Ok Dan, what you need to understand is...
Peter Brokaw: OH MY, OH MY, OH MY! Karl Malone has fouled one of the Jihadis! That is his second foul of the game leaving with him with only four more to go before he fouls out!
Dan Koppel: This thing is over without Malone, I repeat OVER! If Malone fouls out, the Lakers are DOOMED to go down to ignominious defeat!
Peter Brokaw: Holy Moly, Yassir Bin Laden, point guard for the Jihadis has made his free throw! That's another point on the board for the Jihadis and a huge, huge, failure by the Lakers! Did I say HUGE failure?
Dan Koppel: Yes you did Peter and rightly so! It's Lakers ball again. They're going down the court and it's a pass to Shaquille O'Neal and as he dunks, he's fouled by Jihadi center Muhammad Al-Sadr who is out of the game with his 6th foul.
Laurie Malkin: Wow! That's Shaq's 15th dunk of the night!
Peter Brokaw: Yes, yes Laurie -- like anyone cares about how many dunks Shaq gets.
Dan Koppel: (Yawn) Oh, I'm sorry everybody, I was falling asleep hearing about Shaq's dunks. Like there's anyone in the audience who'd want to know about that.
Peter Brokaw: MY GOODNESS, Shaq has missed a free throw! Shaq! Has! Missed! A! Free! Throw!
Dan Koppel: How can these Laker fans be expected to sit through this type of drubbing Peter?
Peter Brokaw: I just don't know Peter, I just don't know....hey, wait a second! Jihadis small forward, Deir Atta, has run into a group of small children in the crowd, yelled something about "infidels", and has blown himself up! What a tragedy...
Laurie Malkin: Oh my God! What sort of psychopaths are these Jihadis?
Dan Koppel: Now Laurie, I didn't want to say anything, but earlier today as I was coming in the building I noticed that Gary Payton turned down a young Jihadi fan who requested an autograph. So can we really say that the Lakers haven't done anything just as bad as the Jihadis here today?
Peter Brokaw: Quite right Dan! You know who I blame for this debacle?
Dan Koppel: Lakers coach Phil Jackson obviously...
Peter Brokaw: That's right, Phil Jackson!
Laurie Malkin: What?!?!
Dan Koppel: Well, as expected, this game has been called on account of suicide bombing. The league will probably want to finish the game at a later date, but is there really a point?
Peter Brokaw: I agree Peter, can't they just call this one a Jihadi victory and let it go at that?
Dan Koppel: Yes Peter, I never thought the Lakers had a chance. Maybe, just maybe, if the Lakers give this one up, it'll make them a little more humble and it may even cool off their hot rivalry with the Jihadis.
Peter Brokaw: I agree Dan! LA Lakers: fire Phil Jackson and just give up!
Laurie Malkin: But the Lakers are winning and...
Peter Brokaw: Oh good grief Laurie, stop being such a Lakers apologist for once in your life!
Dan Koppel: I agree wholeheartedly Peter! Well, that's it for this week! We'll be back to cover the rest of this one if the Lakers insist on continuing towards certain defeat.
Peter Brokaw: Oh goody, another quarter full of fouls and missed free throws inbetween all those dunks and that scoring Laurie seems to find so impressive for some reason...
Dan Koppel: Let's just hope the Lakers fans have the common sense to call it quits and demand the Lakers don't finish this one out.
Peter Brokaw: Agreed!
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