Human Shields Deploy To Protect Porn Video Shop
By Murray Soupcoff (03/04/03)
BAGHDAD, Iraq -- Seventeen foreigners bunked down Friday night at a combined Baghdad porn parlor and water purification station, serving as the first "human shields" to deploy in Iraq in preparation for the looming U.S. assault on Iraq.
The volunteers from Sweden, Spain, Britain, Italy and Finland weren't roughing it though: Their quarters at the Seventh of April Porn Video Salon & Water Purification Station consisted of two huge rooms with king-size beds, televisions, espresso machines, New Age music, electric heaters and a large massage table. The walls of their rooms were adorned with pictures of Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, Jacques Chirac and President Saddam Hussein.
"We will try everything to get peace instead of war, and to protect the children of Baghdad against U.S. missiles and unhealthy American chocolate bars," said Ingrid Ternert, a Swedish poet and part-time dominatrix.
The volunteers planned to spend only one night at the station, but said others would rotate in to protect the infrastructure installation, which wasn't bombed during the 1991 Gulf War and isn't expected to be bombed in the current conflagration.
"The Americans have never bombed a porn video store before; they know how important it is to everyday Iraqis," claimed Raphael Sardino, a Spanish social work professor. "That's why I'm here. I'll be damned if I'm going to get myself killed in a war while demonstrating for peace. This is one of the safest places in Baghdad right now, and I'm staying here until it's safe to come out and be interviewed on Spanish TV, regardless of my colleagues plans. My whole family has been waiting weeks to see me on TV!"
Workers at Baghdad's most popular porn parlor were happy with their unusual visitors.
"We welcome them. I feel happy and it is nice because they want peace for our country, and Iraq is such a happy and nice country to live in," said Hussein Alwan, the store's 32-year-old cashier who kept looking over his shoulder at the burly security officers lurking nearby.
U.S. Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said Wednesday that any Iraqi officials who help in the deployment of the human shields could be punished as war criminals.
Asked about Rumsfeld's remarks, Italian day-care worker Frida Giancola remarked: "The big bully doesn't know that we are protecting the children of Iraq from American bombs and from the additive-filled chocolate bars the Yankee G.I.'s will cruelly hand out after they invade this innocent country."
"We do this because we are very angry," said Ignacio Timisson, a bearded Finnish university professor. "Our governments, especially in those evil money-hungry, capitalistic countries like Britain, Spain and Italy, are supporting this war even though the people are overwhelmingly against war. When will our leaders learn that war is hell, that war is bad, that war is even more terrible than the Finnish-TV version of Joe Millionaire?"
Nearby, a young university student from London sat on her bed covering her face with a sweater to prevent television crews from filming her. "I haven't even had a chance to put on some lipstick and do my eyelashes yet," she complained. "This isn't the way I imagined things. I was sure we would be provided with a make-up person for TV interviews!"
Some of the human shields admitted they weren't exposing themselves to much danger. Ignacio Timisson said the United States would be to blame if any human shield is injured -- but conceded that likely wouldn't be him.
"I will be leaving Iraq tomorrow," he said. "By then all the TV interviews should be finished. And I will have made my personal statement for peace in the most peaceful environment possible. You can be sure I'm not going to risk my life for that heartless Saddam guy. I hear he eats meat and non-organic vegetables. The man's not to be trusted!"
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