Sweet Home Alabama
By Ron Marr (04/07/04)
It is no secret that our elected officials spend most of their time doing nothing. They debate stupid issues, pander for pork and specialize in obfuscation, graft and evasion. To justify their salaries and hold onto power, lawmakers feel they must appear busy at all times. They create fictitious problems and nonexistent crisis scenarios which allow them to pontificate to the electorate on their "caring" nature.
Most of these "pressing" issues involve matters of personal choice, topics not truly worthy of discussion at a governmental level. Legislation in America is the epitome of the nanny state, mostly geared toward protecting the self-esteem of incompetent, frightened dough-heads whose primary function of daily life involves an unsuccessful attempt to tie the laces on their slip-on shoes.
Politicians who wish to stay in office strive to gain the fickle loyalty of the aforementioned frightened dough-heads by banning or restricting things which are potentially harmful. Tobacco, booze, drugs, sex, guns, gambling, high fat food...if it's a personal choice you can bet that a civil servant will come out publicly against it. This act of false empathy leads the grateful dough-heads to skip a couple days worth of anti-anxiety meds, secure in the knowledge that they have been temporarily protected from themselves, at least until they start pondering the terror of paper cuts or the dangerously pointy tips of the ever-deadly pencil.
The equally grateful politicians, happy to have locked up the votes of the moron tribe, light up stogies, pour jelly jars of scotch, eat read meat and spend a few hours of quality time at the shooting range before driving madly to the casino in search of a hooker.
Occasionally though, government gets confused and does something worthwhile. That is the case in Alabama, where the state Senate recently passed a resolution that named "Conecuh Ridge Fine Alabama Whiskey" as the "official state spirit."
Nobody knows hooch better than a Senator (just ask Teddy Kennedy) and it seems the 'Bama Senators really like Conecuh Ridge. They like it so much that they overrode a special booze veto signed by Governor Bob Riley, thus allowing the fruit of the corn to join other official state icons such as the largemouth bass and the pecan (state fish and state nut...and no I'm not making that up).
This led me to think about something. Rather than saddling us normal folk (a minority, I admit) with all sorts of nonsensical laws which are nothing but a pain in the neck, lawmakers should spend at least 28 days a month designating stuff. If the Alabama Congress can appoint a state whiskey, then the legislative bodies of both the individual states and the US government should take notes and follow suit.
To get them started, I have a few suggestions.
* "Chillable Red" should be named the "Official Bum Wine" of Idaho. Many Idahoans seem to believe that all the really good wines come in a box, and the fine chemical bouquet of "Chillable Red" will certainly not detract from a gourmet meal of deep-fried turkey gizzards (which shall henceforth be known as "The Official Innard" of the Spud State)
* Kansas should recognize "Twister" as the "Official State Board Game," for reasons which should be obvious to anyone who ever watched the saga of Dorothy and Toto
* The "Official State Status Symbol" of Missouri, Kentucky, Arkansas and Tennessee should be the "rusted Maytag wringer washer on the sagging front porch." In order to show the proper homage to this hallowed object, the Maytag should reside next to a tick-laden couch with exposed stuffing, which of course overlooks a stripped out GTO propped on cracked cinder-blocks.
* The "Official State Color" of California should be yellow, in honor of the spineless attitude exhibited by so many of it's ultra-liberal and utterly terrified residents. However, such an honorific would not be possible as all the other colors would immediately file a class action suit attesting that the state had hurt their self-esteem by failing to celebrate diversity.
* The "Official State Parasite" of New York, affirmed by a complete majority, will be Hillary Rodham Clinton.
* Montana should designate "The Pony Bar" as the "Official State Watering Hole," just because I'll be moving back that way in a week or so and I'm hoping if they see their name in print they'll buy me free drinks.
* John Kerry's middle finger should be named the "Official State Bird" of Massachusetts, mostly because, should he happen to win in November, that's what he will be flipping toward the Constitution.
As you can see, the possibilities are endless. Those who hold the seats of power could earn true respect by curtailing their mania for pointless legislation and simply naming things.
They can start with Richard Clarke. Anybody who can lie like that boy should forever be know as the "Official Cymbal Monkey" of the Democratic National Committee.
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