The Clinton Era...All Pain & No Gain
By Ron Marr (06/28/03)
In a recent speech to Jesse Jackson's 32nd Annual Rainbow/PUSH convention, former Commander in Heat Bill Clinton asserted that the "gains made under him" were quickly being erased by the Bush Administration. To be honest, I couldn't initially recall what those "gains made under him" might have been. In Bill's mind, I'm sure, the names Monica, Gennifer, Juanita and Kathleen come to mind.
Truth be told, I had established a mental block regarding the Clinton years. It was a heinous time chock full of lies and deceit, scandal and embarrassment and a usurpation of civil rights never before witnessed by America. I found it difficult to dredge up the murk inherent to that heinous and despicable period.
Nonetheless, because it is my duty to you, the gentle reader, I am throwing the bolts, unsealing the welds, and prying opening the thick, vault door which had heretofore protected my sensitive soul from re-living the eight years of disgrace that were Bill and Hillary.
Lets see...gains made under Bill Clinton. Right off the bat I note that firms manufacturing Rolaids and Pepto Bismol did very well under The First Felon. With each speech made by Slick, the collective citizenry ran to the pharmacy to get their hit of much needed gastrointestinal relief. Also, gains were recorded by Bill's stooges. Terry McAullife hooked an 18 million dollar fish in the Global Crossing scandal, and most of "The Man From Hope's" cronies scored big with book deals, talk show gigs or guest appearances in carnival sideshows.
The residents of Waco. Texas made gains under Bill, as whenever Janet Reno rolled into town the need to heat one's home became irrelevant. The same applies to the residents of Colorado, Montana, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Idaho, Utah, Wyoming. South Dakota, Oregon and Washington. Heck, thanks largely to the Little Rock Lecher's un-Constitutional "Executive Orders," our forests have been kept almost constantly ablaze.
Indeed, what a happy time for westerners when Bill decided it was better to receive thousands of votes and millions of dollars from Sierra Clubbers and Earth Firsters than it was to pay the slightest attention to appropriate forest management. Why, we don't even need heat these days; when your house has burned around your ears the ol' propane and electric needs drop dramatically. Thanks Bill! Thanks for caring!
Hmmmm....Communist China made gains under Clinton, as those inscrutable sons of Mao received many of our nuclear secrets for free. Middle Eastern terrorists thought Bill was the greatest thing since sliced camel haunch, since his desire to chase fat chicks, play golf and suck on Cuban cigars superseded any interest in such trivialities as foreign policy or national security. Murderers, car-jackers, rapists and those who derive their income from sticking-up 7-11's saw their portfolio value skyrocket during the Clinton Catastrophe. When Hillary's husband went on the warpath against law-abiding gun owners, attempting to ramrod legislation through Congress that would have led to a wholesale confiscation of firearms, the crooks immediately realized that they held a tax-exempt status.
Thanks again Bill. We didn't need to defend ourselves from the lawless, for you were there to protect us...from ourselves. By the way, when you spoke of "feeling our pain" were you referring to the beatings, knifings and gunshot wounds received by the innocent civilians whose means of self-defense you tried to steal?
The most lazy, shiftless and least productive members of society made gains under Bill, as he promoted the novel policy of giving tax relief to those who never pay a cent of taxes. The twisted, sick, demented and disgusting made gains under Bill, as he urged us all to "celebrate perversity." What a great time to be a kook, nut, crackpot or deviant. I about half expected to see Bill flashing a membership card in the North American Man-Boy Love Association...except for the fact that they probably didn't have the $100,000 needed to sit down with the Perjuring Prez over a cup of steaming Sanka.
Gains made under Bill Clinton? Talk about an oxymoron, (with emphasis on the last two syllables). Many hard-core libs undoubtedly do feel that the Clinton era was the shining moment in American history. Then again, these folks also think we should remember the Titanic for it's dandy breakfast buffet, rather than focusing on that pesky leak.
I could go on with the "gains" made under Clinton all day. But, viewing his tenure with an unbiased and objective perspective, I feel I must pinpoint the one locale that benefited more than all others from the man who once basked in the title of "Breeder of the Free World."
That would be Arkansas...where land prices soared the day the Clinton's moved out.
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