Why I Hate The French
By Ron Marr (02/21/03)
It was more than gratifying watching French President Jacques Chirac suffer his own personal China Syndrome a week or two back. Jacques was outraged that many of the countries of Eastern Europe are supporting the noble American goal of terminating Saddam Hussein. He labeled those who dared to disagree with his collaborationist wishes "infantile," and "reckless." He said that they had "missed a good opportunity to keep quiet" and threatened to block their inclusion in the European Union. Frankly, Chirac's speech was frighteningly reminiscent of one of Tom Daschle's televised melt-downs. I wonder if those guys are related?
At any rate, such whimpering cowardice and tendency toward premature capitulation is exactly what one should expect of France. A quick review of its history and culture immediately reveals the complete absence of both gray matter, taste buds and a collective spine.
The French invented a critically acclaimed style of cuisine which utilizes copious amounts of goose blood and involves hideous concepts such as boiling trout in spoiled cream. In truth, you'll find better fare in the dumpster behind a Red Lobster. The French eat horse. They eat glands. They eat bugs. I know this because they rarely brush their teeth. Their women whine and complain and braid their armpit hair. Their men are beret-wearing twig-boys with bad complexions. All French people consider themselves intellectually superior, and I suppose they are if the comparison is to an incontinent house cat. Give them two minutes and they will inevitably rave of their sexual prowess, which is a little like Christopher Reeve bragging about his speed in the 40 yard dash.
The French specialize in crummy cars, unjustified arrogance and mimes. In truth, the only area in which they truly excel is failure. The French tried to construct the Panama Canal; Americans had to finish it. The French tried to colonize Vietnam; America was left with the mess when they ran.
You may not know this, but the official bird of France is the rooster, which is not surprising when you consider the French war record. They lost the Algerian Rebellion. They lost the aforementioned war in Indochina. They lost the Franco Prussian war. They lost the Wars of Religion against the Huguenots. They lost the Italian Wars. They lost the Gallic Wars. I need not mention World War I and World War II, except to say that the French people would now be goose-stepping and eating sauerkraut (a vast improvement in their diets) if not for American intervention. When the Germans crossed the border the French "patriots" rolled on their backs and begged to serve the Nazis. I personally think France needs a new flag...a bright yellow one with a picture of Foghorn Leghorn in the middle.
But lets be fair here. France briefly won some battles during the Napoleonic era, but only because their leader was from Corsica. They claim to have won the Hundred Years War, but that was because the non-French, extremely bi-polar Joan of Arc took over their armies. The French did win the French Revolution, but how tough can it be fighting another Frenchman? It seems to me that the victor would be the guy who could run the fastest.
France's greatest contribution to the civilized world is body odor. They rave about their art and wine, which often resembles freestyle finger-painting performed by a street bum gassed-up on Ripple. They despise all things American, and have even passed laws making it illegal - I'm not making this up - to call a cheese burger a cheeseburger. They call them "la croissant fromage." The French gave the world both the guillotine and the umbrella, which illustrates in a nutshell how the muddled brains of these people operate. I've yet to see a decapitated individual who gave a flip if his head got wet.
The French think Jerry Lewis is funny. That's just sick.
Therefore, considering the obvious fact that many of the French suffer from low self esteem, gastrointestinal difficulty, terminal ugliness and a rather unsightly Messiah complex, it should come as no surprise that they now wish to lose the War on Terrorism. Lets keep in mind that this is the country that gave safe harbor to the Ayatollah Khomeini for 14 years. They are a socialist nanny state whose citizens wish to be taken care of from cradle to grave. They want others to fight their battles, pay their bills and heap them with the praise they so richly don't deserve.
Now, least the gentle reader misunderstand, there are a few French commodities which are worthy of notice. I enjoy both French fries and French kissing, and in my youth enjoyed humming along to traditional French tunes such as "I seen London, I seen France, I seen Betty's underpants." French's Mustard is pretty good too.
Also, there are a lot of people in America who boast French ancestry. They are obviously cool and come from good stock...
Mostly because their great-grandparents were smart enough to leave France.
(Printer friendly version) Email: Ron Marr
