Forging Ahead With Dan, The ‘60 Minutes’ Man!
By Bonnie Chernin Rogoff (09/15/04)
NEW YORK (The Associated Pest) - In an unguarded moment, CBS anchorman Dan Rather reluctantly apologized for airing a piece on ‘60 Minutes’ that challenged President Bush’s performance in the Texas Air National Guard. The report featured memos that appear to have been forged.
“For my oversight, I ask your forgiveness,” said Rather. “I’m sorry the facts came out before Election Day. I’m sorry the documents were taken from my personal computer. I regret that Senator Kerry is behind in the polls and that Governor George W. Bush still occupies the White House.” Rather spoke in a solemn, reflective tone. “We value our remaining viewers and don’t want to see them go Fox hunting.”
In a previous broadcast, Mr. Rather and CBS stood by the original story that aired last week. “If any definitive evidence to the contrary of our story is found, we will report it. So far, there is none.” Rather added, “I know that this story is true.” When asked how he can attest to the documents’ authenticity, the former journalism instructor answered defensively, “Because I read it in the New York Times and I saw it on television.”
In 1999, the once great reporter known for his quick wit and oddball humor conducted an exclusive post-impeachment interview with Bill and Hillary Clinton, thanking and praising them for a job well done. “If we could be one-one-hundredth as great as you and Hillary Rodham Clinton have been together in the White House, we'd take it right now and walk away winners,” Dan Rather said at the time. Although Mr. Clinton never served in any branch of the military, CBS decided not to air that story.
“Today, I feel like CBS and I are walking away losers,” Mr. Rather said sadly.
The Wharton, Texas native who once said, “To err is human but to really foul up requires a computer,” points to the forged documents as proof. “I was right when I said that. If I had only my kept my 1953 Royal typewriter, we could have pulled the memo deal off without a hitch. No one would have noticed.”
Mr. Rather analyzed the situation. “Every time Senator Kerry tries to compete with Governor Bush on the war issue, he loses. The Democrats haven’t got any substantive issues of their own, that’s the problem.” Whether the Democratic National Committee was behind this latest smear campaign, the son of working class parents couldn’t say. “Ask Terry McAuliffe. He’s the head of the DNC and he makes the rumors. We only spread them,” Rather said. “Oh, and ours is not the latest smear campaign. That’s happening tomorrow when Kitty Kelley goes on the Today show to rehash that old Coke snorting yarn.”
Rather admitted that Democrats and the mainstream media become most creative in political campaigns when preferred candidates fall behind, frequently relying on dead people as source for quotes and votes. “The fact is Lt. Col. Killian died in 1984. With all this controversy surrounding the memos he probably never wrote, I expect his name will turn up on his state’s Democratic ballot.”
For Rather, the author of “The American Dream” has admitted to creating a nightmare for CBS. Marjorie Connell, the widow of Air National Guard officer Jerry Killian said she was “livid” after watching the ‘60 Minutes’ report because her husband admired the President and would never have attacked him. Her son, Gary Killian, claims that ’60 Minutes’ producer Mary Mapes refused to include an interview with President Bush’s former Guard roommate Dean Roome, saying that Roome is “pretty pro-Bush.” Retired Maj. Gen. Bobby W. Hodges was used by CBS officials to corroborate their story, but now believes the documents are fraudulent.
The revered ‘60 Minutes’ man who once called California a “big burrito,” Texas “a big taco,” and warned to “never eat spinach just before going on the air” added some more food for thought. Said Dan: “This ’60 Minutes’ fiasco has become a hot potato and right now, I’m in plenty of hot water. Our news is cooked.”
The memos used Times Roman superscript unavailable in 1972 –73 typewriters. “In fact,” Rather ruefully admitted, “the Times Roman superscript is a proprietary font only accessible from the word processors of the New York Times editorial staff.”
Our Pest reporter asked the Peabody award recipient to clarify a statement he once made: “What I say or do here won’t matter much, nor should it.”
Mr. Rather mulled it over, saying flatly, “I was wrong. I’m the lone star at CBS. Everybody’s talking about me. Not even Rush Limbaugh can boast this much bad press in a given week.”
As for his reference to the President as “Governor Bush,” the Emmy award winning newsman retorted: “Well, he didn’t win the election, did he? We’re Texans, and I promise to retire if Bush will. Maybe he can give me some flying lessons.”
For the record, Mr. Rather considers the song “Sixty-Minute Man” his greatest achievement. “Performed by the Dominoes in 1951, it became a top ten hit long before I was. My name appears in the lyric several times. I’m proud of my record. So look a here girls, come up and see ol’ Dan…I’m a 60 Minutes Man…”
Associated Pest reporter Bonnie Beth contributed to this report.
Copyright 2004 The Associated Pest.
Note: The author of this piece, Bonnie Chernin Rogoff, maintains that this report is authentic and originated on her own p.c. utilizing Microsoft Word XP (version 2002). No obsolete typefaces from Dan Rather’s lost 1953 Royal typewriter were utilized. The accuracy of all fonts and typefaces used in this article can be verified by checking against any contemporary Microsoft Word document. Truncated texts were revised and corrected.
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