Breaking Conspiracy News From CBS News
By Monte Kuligowski (10/01/04)
A rumor is circulating from the professional rumor mill that CBS News and Dan Rather have recently acquired exclusive, unimpeachable memos by unnamed sources who say they reveal possibly the biggest vast right wing conspiracy of all time.
The story involves not only George W. Bush, but also his brother, Gov. Jeb Bush. The memos allege the two brothers are personally responsible for the recent invasions of the four major hurricanes that have pounded the State of Florida.
How coincidental it is that major hurricanes are suddenly wreaking damage on Florida (the state that decided the last presidential election by a hanging chad) just weeks before the 2004 election. The memos prove that it’s no coincidence, but rather a sinister plot by mean-spirited Republicans bent on disenfranchising Florida Democrats.
The memos reveal that the entire Iraq War is merely a small cog in the larger machinery of right wing conspiracy. Partisan scientists allegedly advised the president prior to the war that if enough bombings were to occur in the central region of Iraq, this would cause tectonic disturbances sending seismic tremors out to the Gulf waters. Such a geological disruption during times of atmospheric volatility, changing temperatures and wind direction, i.e., hurricane season, would most likely produce several hurricane-forming storms. Storms developing under those conditions at this location would naturally ride the ocean currents, sending them on a direct collision course with the State of Florida.
Once the memos are released and the story is aired on “60 Minutes II,” America will discover why there has been so much bombing in Iraq long after President Bush declared that the major conflict was over.
Sources say that the areas hit the hardest by hurricanes Ivan, Charley, Francis and Jeanne are home to largely Democratic residents. How Republican operatives could direct the hurricanes at specific Democratic targets is yet unknown, but an investigation is certain to be launched with the unveiling of the memos.
Without releasing her name, sources have spoken with one Florida Democrat who is scheduled to interview with Dan Rather on “60 Minutes II.” Anonymous sources have obtained a sound bite from a pre-interview meeting with CBS News:
“I know about the memos and I know that the Republicans did this to us. Millions of Florida Democrats are without electricity and water. Thousands more are homeless. The Republicans knew we wouldn’t be able to vote on Nov. 2. Many of us don’t have transportation. We’re just trying to rebuild. Even if we could vote, once the memos are released to the public, Democrats will be afraid. We don’t want anymore hurricanes. We just want the Republicans to stop the violence.”
The memos will also validate the charges of leading Democrats who say that restoring power and rebuilding the state will continue to be delayed by Florida Governor Jeb Bush, until after the election. Additionally, the breaking story will raise allegations of whether Jeb Bush has personally pocketed most of the Federal Disaster Relief money appropriated to Florida by his brother.
Notice to all liberals: this column is meant to be a parody. If possible, do not take the contents herein seriously.
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