2004: Predictions For The Presidential Election Cycle
By Gary Aldrich (01/09/04)
*Co-authred by Gary Aldrich and Ashley Varner.
2004 is sure to be a banner year for American politics. Hard-Left Liberals will try to steer focus away from our president’s successful foreign policy by doing what they do best: creating more “crises” on the domestic front to scare voters to their polls.
In reality, their biggest crisis is that with the Bush tax cuts given credit for the economy rebounding, the stock market maintaining renewed strength above 10,000, jobless people finding work, and the huge Medicare spending bill passed by a Republican Congress and President, their own political turf—domestic economic issues—has been stripped from them.
Therefore, the Liberals, desperate to win back control in the 2004 election cycle, will provide plenty of entertainment as they grapple for an issue mainstream Americans will support.
So here they are, our Hard-Left Predictions for 2004:
In order to mask their looming insignificance, leading Hard-Left Liberals will try to convince the public that no American beef is safe to eat. They will tout a “Mad Cow Crisis” until, they hope, Americans become terrified of eating beef and sales drop sharply, causing a crash in the agricultural economy. If successful, these Liberals will then come to the rescue, blaming the Bush Administration for not protecting the beef industry, while promising new beef subsidies at taxpayer cost.
Taking another approach to the “Mad Cow Crisis”, PETA will release statements that meat-eating Americans deserve whatever harm awaits them for their cruel sins against the disenfranchised animal community. A fear-invoking and guilt-trip-ridden national vegetarian campaign will ensue.
A “Health Awareness Crisis” will mount, as over-eager, Hard-Left politicians attack American smokers. These otherwise “champions of choice” will impose more self-righteous, Socialist-like laws to prohibit our decisions to participate in activities we may enjoy, regardless of their health consequences.
That means more public smoking bans across the country, as Liberals tell smokers that their superior opinion outweighs one’s ability to enjoy one’s own lifestyle choices – especially when that choice contributes to a national “crisis”.
Feminists often spout an “Aggressive Male Crisis”, and they are sure not to disappoint in this New Year. Following on the heels of the successful show, “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”, feminists will put heavy pressure on toy companies to market their exciting new instructional device for young boys, a “Male Improvement Doll”.
This new toy, inspired by rabid feminists’ desire to reprogram men to suit their agenda needs, features sloppily-dressed male dolls with bad haircuts and ‘domineering attitudes’. Each doll comes with new wardrobe choices and accessories, child-size hair-styling devices, and a booklet of how-to tips for minimizing masculine behavior and responding “Yes, Dear” to his female partner, “Beautiful-at-Any-Size Doll”.
Howard Dean, a proud metrosexual, will hold a press conference to announce that not only does he own and play with the “Male Improvement Doll”, but will make the doll mandatory curriculum for all public preschool and Kindergarten programs if elected president.
Last, but certainly not least, Liberal political strategists will clamor over the “Democrat Presidential Nominee Crisis”. This crisis is designed to draw extended hype over the ever-tantalizing question about Hillary’s presidential run. “Will she, or won’t she?” will make constant headline news in the mainstream media and be continuously toyed with by Hillary and her staff.
Hillary will pretend she has no intentions of running for president, but will work hard behind the scenes to make sure her face appears at the top of each evening broadcast. So, “will she or won’t she?” We don’t even know that, but it’ll certainly be fun to watch.
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