The Ugly Europeans
By Tom Adkins (12/06/04)
They come for vacation, to study, to work, and inevitably, to insult. They are arrogant, smug and haughty. And too often, they make an loud, repulsive representation of their culture. The ugly American? Hardly, No, I am describing the new breed of boorishness, the trash-talking Ugly Europeans.
Not the Eastern Europeans. They pretty much acknowledge America freed them from nationalism, Nazism and communism over the last 100 years. No, we are talking primarily about the Western Europeans. You know, the folks who keep losing all those wars. Or starting them as the case may be.
Yeccchhh. For any red-blooded American, we now spit the term off our tongue as if we just stepped in dog droppings. A proper analogy, when you think about it.
It could be a yellow-toothed Englishwoman in a pub, harrumphing over her last pint. Or maybe a scruffy young German college student (dressed in fashionable black, of course) at yet another flag-burning protest. Or maybe a Dutch housewife in a restaurant, loudly denouncing the United States in front of a few American tourists. Or a smarmy Frenchman, wishing his nation really were communist. Regardless, they all proclaim the superiority of their illustrious European culture.
Superiority. Culture. The two foundations of European arrogance.
On one hand, it’s humorous to observe people who smoke 8 packs of unfiltered cigarettes a day, bathe semi-annually, and haven’t lifted a finger to protect their own freedom once in an entire century claim “superiority” over anything but surrender technique. On the other, it is quite infuriating to hear such unquestionable cowards act anything but apologetic, humble and thankful.
But if there is one thing Europeans aren’t, it’s humble. Or apologetic. And definitely not thankful. They will tell you with unparalleled smugness that Americans are stupid, and Europeans are so-o-o-o-o smart. And that every American President who actually has a spine is a “cowboy.”
Yet despite their hilariously snotty attitude, there is a way for Europeans to maintaining respect from the average American. All they have to do is admit they are arrogant, smug and haughty. That’s right! In fact, the Europeans should get together, and craft a public service announcement to America. It would go something like this.
The Western Europeans wish to announce we will no longer offer even the pretense of defending our freedom (last granted in 1945 by the United States of America, and later preserved with the help of various presidents, most notably Ronald Reagan).
Instead, when murderous thugs threaten, when dictators are plotting, and terrorists are planning, we will employ our first line of defense: conduct great debates. Then, we shall sit down over wine and cheese, and complain the United States is at fault. We will send diplomats with fancy titles all over the world, holding great meetings at the UN, NATO, SETO, ABC, XYZ, and any other world organization we can find. In fact, we’ll even create a new organization to portray “legitimacy.” They shall have countless meetings, pass endless resolutions, and insist we are getting closer to a solution every day, even as the enemy trudges closer to the very gates of our nation.
The United States will warn us that dictators must be dealt with forcefully. We shall respond “Nonsense! We can debate forever.” They will claim we are appeasing like Neville Chamberlain. We will insist Chamberlain would have succeeded, if only given enough time.
Then, as the enemy invades our nation, we will beg the United States for assistance.
Of course, we will then blame Americans for not moving fast enough. For good measure, we will call them war criminals, label them imperialists, demand this is another "blood for oil" campaign, and claim they are Nazis.
However, if the United States has a President who is smart enough to figure out it’s a matter of time until they are involved, and early intervention is better than full-scale global war, they will attack the enemy.
Then, we will screech that our great intellectual superiority would have succeeded, and America rushed into an unnecessary war (like the one we could have conducted in 1938, but didn’t). We will use all of our meager powers to get in their way, and possibly help the enemy by clandestinely supplying weapons, laundering money, and turning a blind eye towards sympathetics in our nation.
Our press shall attack the President with the relentless insistence and with the intellectuality of a 7th grade clique. And we shall be rude to innocent Americans wherever we find them, particularly tourists.
We shall exalt the “useful idiots” within America who despise their own nation. In fact, the Cannes film festival may give one of these traitors a Palm D’or, or maybe they might receive a Nobel prize.
Later, when the Americans have vanquished the enemy, we will accuse them of nation building.
We will do all this while resting in the comfort of an armchair somewhere in our lovely village or town. In fact, we may even do this after we've left our nation and moved to the United States for both safety and prosperity...then accuse the Americans for making everyone poor and unsafe. And of course, inconvenience.
When the battles are over, and American blood has seeped into our soil, washed down our drains, and spattered our alleyways, we will tip our haughty noses in the air and dismiss their efforts as no big deal. But we’ll keep them around for awhile until we are safe. And we will bitch the entire time about their “occupation.” In fact, we will forget their efforts immediately. Regardless of any sacrifices of money, dead and wounded, we will be perpetually ungrateful.
And we will be arrogant about it.
See? That would work. If the Europeans simply told this truth, we could respect them far more because Americans have always respected people who just admit their failings. Instead, they remain a petty, petulant bunch of ungrateful whiners, getting in the way of freeing the world. Europeans just can’t bear watching the United States prove every day that we are superior. We have bigger hearts, brighter minds and better economies. And now we can even claim better manners.
Then again, it’s fun to watch Europeans get all snooty about themselves.
Makes you feel kinda superior, don’t you think?
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