Fat People, Steroids, Pot, And Other Federal Matters
By Ryan Walsh (12/21/04)
In the Leslie Nielson classic "Wrongfully Accused," a satirical knock-off of the popular Harrison Ford movie "The Fugitive," there is a scene in which a train collides with a bus full of prisoners. Amid the wreckage of the crash, one hears the moans and cries of the horrifically wounded and fatally injured bus passengers. One prisoner cries in a weak voice, “My shoe’s untied.” Another painfully howls, “My shirt’s out!”
The audience is left to wonder why the passengers are more concerned about their shoes and shirts than they are about their bodily organs, which are likely broken or bleeding. Of course, this sort of counterintuitive behavior is hilarious in movies, but it would constitute absolute idiocy in real life. Case in point: the federal government.
While the U.S. faces real problems like global terrorism, increased violence in Iraq, and the growing fiscal imbalances of Social Security, Washington is instead focusing all of its energy and attention on the even more monumental issues of the day. You know, the issues that will go down in history books and define the 21st century world. I’m talk about issues like doctor-prescribed pot, the growing number of fat people, and pro-baseball players hopped up on steroids. Yes, the government is working overtime to ensure these “crises” are resolved. How comforting.
Take medical marijuana, for instance. California citizen Angel Raich has been diagnosed with a whole host of devastating medical conditions, including a brain tumor. No conventional medication has ever proved effective in treatment. Thus, under the protection of California law, she turned to a less commonly used medication: marijuana, which she grew and consumed in her own home. Because the Justice Department feared that a new upward trend in medical marijuana usage would complicate the “drug war,” it took the suffering Ms. Raich to court.
The Justice Department claims it has the power to regulate marijuana under the commerce clause of the Constitution. First passed as a means by which the federal government could dismantle trade barriers between the states, the commerce clause has now evolved to mean that the federal government can justifiably regulate any and all economic activity among the people. And since the growth of any substance for personal use or consumption is inherently economic even if that good is not bought on the market, it lands under the jurisdiction of the feds. Under this reading of the commerce clause, the federal government has the constitutional right to regulate or prohibit anything it deems unwanted. How sweet.
And don’t worry; the bighearted benevolence of the Nanny state doesn’t end there. The White House and Congress are also “deeply concerned” about fat people. So much, in fact, that obesity has even replaced smoking as health scare number one. President Bush has earmarked $200 million for obesity prevention and control programs in this year’s budget, while congress has considered the idea of forcing restaurants to print nutritional information on each item in their menus. And that’s just the beginning.
And how about steroids in baseball? Well, the federal government can regulate that, too. Don’t believe me? Just check the…uh…42nd Amendment. Yeah, that’s the one.
All right, so there’s no such thing as an amendment granting the federal government such a power, but don’t tell that to Senator John McCain, who arrogantly thundered last week that “major-league baseball players and owners should meet immediately to enact the standards that apply to the minor leagues, and if they don't, I will have to introduce legislation that says professional sports will have minimum standards for testing.”
Medical marijuana? Overeating? Steroids in baseball? What’s the next burning issue the federal government will address? Widespread cheating in dodge ball among 4th graders?
As Ronald Reagan aptly observed, “As government expands, liberty contracts.” And yes, it seems the Gipper was proven right again.
(Printer friendly version) Email: Ryan Walsh
