I’m Offended
By Trevor Bothwell (12/24/04)
Whenever the “holidays” roll around -- or as I like to call it, Hanuramakwanzimas -- most people use this time to reflect on how truly thankful and blessed they are to be surrounded by so many loving friends and family members.
But not me. No, the “holiday” season merely reminds me how truly offensive the United States of America is.
For starters, I’m offended that so many people these days seem to think the Bill of Rights actually limits the powers of the State over the people, or that it defends the people’s right to celebrate their religion publicly.
I’m also offended that so many folks in Maplewood, N.J., are giving the South Orange/Maplewood Board of Education such a hard time just because it voted to ban Christmas carols during its schools’ instrumental “holiday” concerts this year. After all, don’t we live in a democracy here? What right do outraged Americans have to act as if the First Amendment trumps a public school district’s right to decide what’s in the best interests of its students and faculty? I mean, come on, the Board voted.
And what’s with the Thomas More Law Center suing the town of Bay Harbor Islands, Fla., just because it decided to ban the display of Christian nativity scenes while allowing public displays of the Jewish menorah? Didn’t I just read somewhere that something like 90% of Americans celebrates Christmas? Clearly the constitutional guarantee of freedom of religion for every citizen need not apply if the majority gets its own federal holiday.
Come to think of it, I’m offended that it’s taken the city of Denver, Colo., so long to ban the words “Merry Christmas” or any Christmassy floats from its traditional parade of lights. What right do the taxpayers of any city have to expect that events funded with their own tax dollars represent their values?
And frankly, how about the very term “Happy Holidays,” which anti-Christian types seem to have so enthusiastically embraced in exchange for insulting wishes like “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Thanksgiving”? To be honest, I’m offended that we so casually accept the usage of a word derived from the religious term “holy day.”
Indeed, I hold in contempt all who would bruise my fragile self-image by subjecting me to the ritual of Assault by Traditional Observance. But for all the progress we’ve realized in the continual secularization of mainstream American society, nothing so offends me as that most evil of American -- nay, Western -- traditions: New Year’s Day.
Think about it. What does the year itself represent? Time. Time based on Christian history, and the generally accepted chronological recording of events since the birth of Chr…Chri…Christ.
I’m offended that in little more than a week, I will be forced to observe the year 2005 (AD, that is, which is Latin for “year of the Lord.”) Offended that EVERY SINGLE DAY of EVERY SINGLE YEAR I am force-fed vicious reminders that Christianity dominates virtually all of Western civilization. Oh, to awaken to the headline, “ACLU Sues to Abolish New Year’s Day,” in the New York Times!
No more “Happy New Year!” No more worthless New Year’s resolutions. No more succumbing to the intolerant, discriminatory religious majority!
And so from now on I propose that each new “year” commence with the date: January 1, (Since the Beginning). The beginning of what, you ask? Why, of life. Of the earth. Of the sun. Of the universe. We have plenty of starting points to pick from!
Certainly there is a generic, inoffensive system of chronological measurement we can all agree on. You know, as the great Sen. Clinton would say, for the “common good.”
I sure am glad to have the protections of the First Amendment on my side this “holiday” season. Aren’t you?
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