Paris Hilton In '08
By Isaiah Z. Sterrett (12/30/04)
WE’RE ALL huffing and puffing about the best, brightest, and most memorable players of 2004 — and we’re all apparently obliged to include Paris Hilton. I don’t know why. Is it the sheer novelty of stripping for fame that attracts us? (Personally, I’ve never heard of such a thing.) Or is it the amazing fact that Ms. Hilton, a rich woman, proved herself as classless as a background-dancer in a Madonna video? These are questions that deserve deeper thought.
Actually they’re not. We don’t need to discuss Paris Hilton anymore. We never needed to discuss her in the first place. Depressing as it may be, I think perhaps there have been somewhat more important events this year than public sex. (And if we have to talk about idiot celebrities, at least we could talk about someone interesting—like Star Jones.) Anyway, that’s another column, for another Christmas.
I suppose the presidential election was of slight significance. I can’t really remember who Bush had to run against, but I have a vague recollection that I didn’t care for him. I think—and my memory’s pretty foggy—that the Democratic candidate was a lying, craven, backstabbing, Frenchman. But I may be wrong.
Four years from now, while we’re patiently waiting for President-Elect Condoleezza Rice to be duly inaugurated, it will be lovely to write about that year’s Democrat loser: Kofi Annan. I know there are some Constitutional issues to work out before King Oily the Audacious can be nominated for the presidency, but I think I speak for all Republicans when I say that we’ll walk through fire if Democrats will put Kofi on the ticket, so long as Sen. Bob Byrd can be VP. (Possible campaign song: “Lynch, Lynch, Lynch that G-O-P.”)
In terms of simple amusement, nothing beats these Democrats. If you thought that unfortunate glimpse of Janet Jackson was awkward, I have two words for you: Dennis Kucinich. This is the guy who wants a cabinet-level Department of Peace — which I would support only if Don Rumsfeld, autopen and all, could run it. For anyone unenthused by my Kofi Annan-Bob Byrd plan, I would also be thrilled to see Mr. Kucinich nominated in 2008. (“One High-Protein Soy Bar in Every Pot!”)
It’s sobering to realize that someone even crazier than Kucinich, Screamin’ Howard Dean, nearly won the Democrats’ approval. In a maneuver orange-capped Deaniacs ‘round the world are still lamenting, Dems actually rejected the most inspiring Democrat in decades in favor of an Al Gore-style robot. The Kerry candidacy made one yearn for the days of good, moral Democrats—like Bill Clinton.
Speaking of Clinton, he wrote a book this year. I tried to buy it, but the woman at Borders told me you had to be 21. I rather assumed as much when I saw it wrapped in silver plastic and tucked away behind Dr. Ruth’s new book. Too bad. Bubba’s lovely wife Hillary, whom I am supporting for Arkansas State License Plate-Maker in 2008, also wrote a book, cleverly titled, "No, For the Last F------ Time, I’m Not Running: The Nuance of Hillary Rodham Clinton." It was a great year for literature.
It was also a great year for movies. If you’re a Michael Moore fan, 2004 was as prosperous as ever. The same goes for those of you who are fans of Jesus Christ. In another 2000 years we’ll reconvene and discuss who’s had a greater influence on humanity: Jesus, or the fleshy grease puddle who says he’s from Flint. (Hint: “The Passion of the Christ” was adored by conservatives, champions of the War on Terror and the Constitution. “Fahrenheit 9/11” and “Bowling for Columbine” were mainly enjoyed by people who take pride in the “right” to infanticide.)
In what is arguably more tragic than Moore’s apparent success, President Ronald Reagan slipped the surly bonds of earth, leaving a nation and a world to mourn. No words can properly pay due respect to Reagan, but one is advised to take a look at a world map. It’s better today than it was before Reagan. Someday, partially because of this year’s events, we will be able to say the same of George W. Bush.
Happy 2005, Paris Hilton and all.
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