Comic Book How To For Criminals
By Joe Mariani (01/10/05)
Mexico's Foreign Ministry plans to print 1.5 million copies of their Guide for the Mexican Migrant, 32 pages of illustrated instructions designed to help illegal immigrants cross the US border in safety. The comic book contains advice like, "Thick clothing increases your weight when wet, and this makes it difficult to swim or float," and "Don't throw stones or objects at the officer or patrol vehicles because this is considered a provocation."
The simple illustrations show Mexicans sneaking across a river, climbing through a fence, avoiding Border Patrol officers, and following telephone lines to find towns where they can live. It doesn't, however, show them applying for visas or work permits. Although the book comes with "a yellow disclaimer saying it does not promote undocumented immigration," it gives helpful tips like, "Avoid attracting attention, at least while you are arranging your stay or documents to live in the United States."
While some may criticise this comic-book how-to for illegal immigrants, and others may poke fun at it, Mexico's effort to create smarter, better-educated lawbreakers should be applauded. In fact, the US should follow Mexico's lead in educating criminals to be better at what they do. We're the United States of America, for crying out loud -- we ought to have the best criminals in the world! If our lawbreakers are too lazy to figure out the best ways to commit crimes on their own, then perhaps it's the job of the government to educate them so that they can do their job... earn a livi... err, get along in a society that practically forces them to breaks its laws!
There are too many examples of stupid or uneducated criminals getting caught through simple mistakes -- mistakes that could have been avoided with a proper, government-sponsored criminal training program. Drug dealers have been known to bring drugs to their court appearances, Peeping Toms have left fingerprints on windows, and inexperienced crooks have shown their IDs to clerks while holding up liquor stores (to prove their ages), or filled out applications with their real names during a robbery. Even simple how-to books like those the Mexican government so thoughtfully provides to prospective lawbreakers would be a giant step in the right direction. The US government should provide help for under-educated criminals who want to break the law, but are not sure how to do so without getting caught.
For instance, a how-to book for the budding car thief could contain helpful advice like, "Most people don't even notice car alarms anymore, but police might. Make sure none are in sight before entering your chosen vehicle." This handy admonition might prevent a stupid mistake. Instructions for novice prostitutes could include, "Always ask whether your prospective customer is a police officer before detailing your services and prices." A bank robber's instruction booklet could give handy tips like, "Do not attempt to use the drive-through when committing your robbery -- go inside. It's worth the effort." Scott Peterson, for instance, could have used a murder how-to comic book. It might have told him, "Do not use a fishing trip at the site and on the day you dump the body as your alibi. It might be a good explanation in case anyone spotted you, but if the body is ever recovered, you will NEVER talk your way out of it." So many criminals forget little details like these, which can lead to embarrassing arrests, court appearances and even convictions.
It makes the entire country look bad when our criminals are so ill-informed and ill-educated. If Mexico can teach their criminals better lawbreaking methods, then so can we!
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