Chris Rocks The Oscars
By Isaiah Z. Sterrett (02/24/05)
HALF THE PEOPLE in America yelled at me last week for having the gaucherie to say Chris Rock shouldn’t host this year’s Academy Awards ceremony. I hate to be stubborn about such pettiness, but I happen to be right about this. Consequently, this week’s words are spent re-proving my point. The following quotations came from a show Mr. Rock gave in Harlem in 1999 called “Bigger and Blacker,” as well as a different show he later gave in Washington, D.C., called “Never Scared.” Both have appeared on HBO.
Illustrating his clear and abiding opposition to racism, Rock said: “If you’re white and under 21 I am headin’ for the hills.”
On women, he noted: “Women need food, water, and compliments.”
On adultery: “A man gonna be a man.”
On Michael Jackson having “another kid”: “[t]hat’s like another dead white girl showin’ up at O.J.’s house.”
On another Jackson: “Is it me, or is Jermaine the craziest ni**er you ever you seen in your life?”
Proving that he’s definitely family material, Rock told women in his audience: “Every time a man’s being nice to you, all he’s doing is offering d*ck. That’s all it is.” Teenage girls all over the country were uplifted by the news.
On the military, he said: “I wouldn’t give a f**ck if I saw a Russian tank rollin’ down Flatbush Avenue….When the war’s over, I’ll be the fa**ot with two legs, thank you.”
And there’s my personal favorite: “Clinton damn near got impeached for…lying about a blow-job so his wife wouldn’t find out. Is that against the law?” (For the twelfth time in the last forty-five minutes, (a) Clinton was impeached on December 19, 1998—not “damn near impeached,” but actually, genuinely, truly impeached; and (b) as a matter of fact, yes, lying under oath is a crime. It’s a small, obscure crime, known as “perjury.”)
More nuggets of wisdom from the next Oscars host:
--“I think Bush sent that girl to Kobe’s room.”
--“Bush killed Laci Peterson.”
--“Bush lied to me, they all lied to me.”
--“There was a lot of accepted racism when the war started.”
--“Republicans are fu**ing idiots, and Democrats are fu**ing idiots, and conservatives are idiots, and liberals are idiots.”
--“If a woman gets pregnant, she don’t want to hear s**t from the man.”
--“Shaq is rich. The white man that signs his check is wealthy.”
--“Only the white man can profit from pain.”
Side-splitting, right?
This isn’t some stuffy, anti-humor crusade. I guarantee I have a better sense of humor than anyone at the New York Times. Sometimes—and this is a point I’ll concede gracefully—Chris Rock’s amusing. Sometimes. But that doesn’t make up for all the “jokes” he tells that are racist or sexist or otherwise unsavory.
Imagine if Rush Limbaugh said on his show that women only need three things, “food, water, and compliments.” The eruption of controversy would be deafening. Frothing-at-the-mouth feminists would demand “answers.” Nancy Pelosi would stand on the steps of the Capitol urging women to unite against the chauvinism of the conservative movement. Limbaugh would be forced to publicly apologize.
Per contra, when Rock says it, he’s invited to host the Oscars. That’s how it’s done in Hollywood: scream and shout when a right-winger opens his mouth, then invite the most prolific racist in the country to emcee your party. It’s all very classy.
The Academy Awards are a great American institution which Rock threatens. Viewership has dropped lately, but that trend mustn’t remain. The Oscars used to be a special night not just in smoggy L.A. or in the clouded minds of haughty celebrities, but for Americans. Families used to watch the telecast every year—even when they hadn’t seen any of the nominated films. It was a uniquely American festival of talent and art and fun. I fear that is slipping away, and Rock’s at the helm of the problem.
If Trent Lott can’t speak to Strom Thurmond without being instantly and forever labeled a racist, Chris Rock shouldn’t be able to host the Oscars. On the bright side, maybe when Bob Byrd retires from the Senate, Mr. Rock can take over for him. I hear both men are fond of the n-word.
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