This Just In: We Have Nothing To Report
By Isaiah Z. Sterrett (05/05/05)
WELL, I’m relieved. I was certain that I was the only person bored to tears over this current batch of faux news, but apparently I’m not alone. Far from it: even the New York Times, which has never in its history run out of glowering fluff to print, has lost all concept of what to do. The Newspaper of Record used space on its website this week to describe one of its op-eds thus: “The recent shootings have changed the way people drive, making them use their turn signals and stay on their best behavior.” In keeping with this theme, the Times will report next week on new statistics regarding stop signs in low-income urban areas.
True, the so-labeled “Runaway Bride” certainly held my attention for the first twenty-seven hours of non-stop cable coverage I watched, but I grew weary of the whole thing after Ashton Kutcher agreed to play the fiancé in the upcoming Lifetime version. (Whether Demi will portray the mysterious vanishing woman is still unknown, but my sources assure me that the prospect is on the table.)
Jennifer Wilbanks’ disappearance warranted coverage, especially after we found out that it was all a prank. But ten minutes after that, we should have dropped it. “In-depth coverage” isn’t needed. At the risk of sounding like a member of NARAL Pro-Choice America, this is a family matter, to be worked out by private individuals. Self-involved TV interviewers have nothing to do with it.
I mean, let’s face it: people disappear all the time without any fanfare at all. During primary season last year, Joe Lieberman went missing from the entire Democratic presidential campaign, but did anyone care? The answer is no. Where was the “analysis” of that, CNN?
This story is dull even from a human-interest point of view. I keep trying to find the exciting part, but there isn’t one. What I know so far is that a woman about to get married panicked, likely as a result of the pending nuptials, so she ran away. Then, in a twist, she came back. Doesn’t it just give you goose bumps?
And another thing: I think we’ve done it on the Michael Jackson case. I know I should care, given that…actually, no—there’s precisely no reason in the universe I should care about Michael Jackson. If we trust the legal system, and I do on occasion, then we ought to let it work. If something newsworthy happens—we get a verdict, for example—then I’d be happy to read about it. Or, if the jury seems especially slanted toward either Mr. Jackson or the prosecution, I’ll hear about that, too. But endless questions about the significance of Juror #4’s nose hair don’t do much in the way of improving the “national dialogue” liberals are always huffing about.
Admittedly, I care more about Jackson than Ms. Wilbanks, but they come awfully close to a tie. Though I’m generally fascinated by petty brides-to-be acting selfishly and garish rich guys wearing pajamas to court, I’m rather ready for these stories to end. The trouble is, as soon as these end, others will replace them. It’s as vicious a cycle as ever was.
I’m not saying that all stories are overblown, of course. I thought 9/11 was pretty important, so I’m glad we talked about it for awhile. Also, that silly tussle where John Kerry thought he was going to kick George Bush out of the White House probably should have been reported. The Clinton impeachment, back in the ‘90s, was similarly deserving of decent press. I’d argue that Jennifer Wilbanks doesn’t rise to that level of importance, but I don’t like to use the words “Clinton” and “rise” in the same paragraph.
You always hear that everybody deserves their fifteen minutes of fame. Fifteen minutes is fine with me, but any longer than that is really pushing it. If everybody gets fifteen minutes, we need to start timing things better. Right now, Jennifer Wilbanks and Michael Jackson have taken their fifteen minutes of fame at least forty of fifty times, and are consequently stealing from everyone else. That’s a scam, and I am appalled. As a result, I will be spending the next 10-12 months reporting on this topic, and I will expect everyone to pretend to care about what I have to say.
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