Would You Like A Lawsuit With Those Fries?
By Richard Davis (05/12/05)
Welcome to Denny’s. My name is Walter. I’ll be your attorney for this evening. Might I suggest we start with an appetizer from one of our popular class-action platters? That should compensate nicely for any hurt feelings you suffered on the way in. For the main course I recommend a hearty federal discrimination entrée from our civil rights menu. That can be super-sized tonight with just one suspicious remark from your server. So listen closely. Say, shouldn’t they have brought your water by now?
Poor Denny’s. Maybe it’s time to try something new. How about Denny’s Tire and Auto Mart? Or Denny’s Wholesale No Customer Contact Whatsoever Mail-Order Warehouse?
So seven Arabs walk into a South Florida Denny’s, wait longer than they like for their food, confront shift manager Eduardo Ascano and think they hear him say “bin Laden,” start a row, and then get thrown out of the place with the help of some off-duty cops. Now they think they’re owed $28 million. What a great country. You can become a millionaire just by provoking the poor schmuck behind the counter. Can’t do that in Cairo.
Even without a severed finger the Arabs wasted no time in finding a lawyer, who immediately declared that their poor service at Denny’s was “an attack on America’s core values and principles,” a violation of their “inalienable rights.” In Middle Eastern countries Arabs have no rights at all; here they have inalienable rights to quick meals. And it’s in the Declaration of Independence!
No wait. If I remember my history -- and I studied pre-PC, so my memory may be “incorrect” -- Jefferson in fact crossed out the phrase “prompt restaurant service for minorities” when listing our inalienable rights, replacing it instead with “the pursuit of happiness.” So how’d it get back in there? Oh, yeah, uncivil rights.
The Florida Commission on Human Relations -- motto: “There’s Always Reasonable Cause” -- found that there was “reasonable cause” to believe the group had been discriminated against. And the commissioners reached that finding just by seeing the name “Denny’s” in the complaint heading. They’re that good.
The Arabs’ lawyer knew what he had to do before his clients even sat down. He reached his slimy fingers under his desk, pulled out the race card and righteously proclaimed to the microphones, “This was a terrible act against Arab Americans.” All Arab Americans. Even the ones with fast waiters. Non-Arab Americans have the World Trade Center and Osama Bin Laden; Arab Americans have the Florida City Denny’s and Eduardo Ascano.
And what was Ascano’s crime? Supposedly when one of the Arabs approached him and asked the $28-million question, “Where’s our food?”, Ascano at some point responded, “Bin Laden is in charge of the kitchen.” Sounds like the kind of snotty comeback you’d get from a manager who was becoming exasperated with a difficult customer. Inappropriate, yes, but hardly an ethnic holocaust demanding massive reparations. However, this is America. Don’t get your way? Cry racism and let the extortion begin.
If any of us approached a restaurant worker in Cairo with the same question and was told “George Bush is in charge of the kitchen,” what Arab here or abroad would think we were owed anything?
Perhaps the Arabs were simply upset over the suggestion that bin Laden was a kitchen worker. He is a hero in the Arab world after all. Had Arab Americans demonstrated even a fraction of the public outrage over 9/11 that they do over supposed slights from other Americans who are outraged over 9/11, then lowly shift managers might not feel inclined to respond to badgering with bin Laden comments.
But maybe they would, and so what? When did government become our own personal thought police? People sometimes behave badly. They say insulting things. Yes, sometimes it hurts, and, yes, sometimes it’s racist. Grow up. Talk to the manager, and then take your business elsewhere. Who is using ethnicity in the most damaging way here?
Denny’s has pledged to fight, and more power to them. Businesses spend millions defending themselves against these dirty, get-rich extortion suits, which are essentially nothing more than legalized terrorism. Bin Laden may not have been in the kitchen that night, but his spirit was certainly in the restaurant.
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